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Kitchen Confidental Recap: All Hail The Vegan-Slayer

Now that ladychef Becky (Erinn Hayes) is in the kitchen, she’s also in the locker room. (Did you know chefs have locker rooms?) Forward-thinking, progressive beings that they are, they don’t bother to designate male and female dressing areas. Why should they? Becky just snaps her bra off without a thought and no one takes an ounce of notice. Well, except for Jim (John Francis Daly), who has never seen a naked lady before. Wait, what?

Before the boys can rip on the rookie too harshly, Becky politely offers him the opportunity to touch her un-brassiered tatas. Aw, Jim’s first boobie-graze! Later, amidst jokes, Jack (Bradley Cooper) patiently reminds his chefs that kitchen incest is strictly verboten: absolutely no dating co-workers (a lesson he has evidently learned from experience). Of course, this inspires — what else? — a seduction-off between Becky and Steven (Owain Yeoman). After much flirting with all the subtlety and finesse of horny 16 year olds, they eventually bet one another $100 that each will have the other begging for it first. Mmm, settle in with your vino, ladies. It’s going to be one of those episodes.

Later: there are vegans afoot in the dining room. Well, vegan, nee Julia (Lauren Stamile), and played by none other than Grey’s Anatomy’s Nurse Rose (oh, yeah, she did a Community thing too)! She and Jack almost immediately begin hotly debating veganism vs meat-eaterism. And we mean hotly. She somehow both got Jack’s phone number out of him and lives in a New York City apartment fancy enough for a tub in which one can bubble-bathe, because she later sends him a topless photo asking for a truce. Cut to — you guessed it — tearing up the sheets.

While Jack is making nice with the vegan lady, Jim gets a shipment of rabbits for the next night’s service that are a little fresher than anticipated. By which we mean, still living. Jack, Steven, Seth (Nicholas Brendon), and Jim all take a stab at doing the little guys in for service, but they can’t quite seem to bring themselves to it. Of course, the whole kitchen assumes Jack’s squeamishness is a result of his newly-formed friendship with the celery sucker.

He plays hookie to get away from the rabbits and goes out to lunch with Julia, instead. She tries to get him into a tofu wrap, which he refuses, natch, and he grabs a slice of pizza for an energy boost before they get back to her place. Initially repulsed by his sausage breath, Julia eventually becomes intrigued by the umami goodness which trespasses her lips and, before you know it, we’re in a food sex scene where Jack is feeding his protein-starved mistress greasy sausage pizza while she moans in satisfaction. We love this show.

Jack “The Vegan Slayer” Bourdain is met with many congratulations at Nolita for successfully flipping his lady, followed by the discovery that Tanya (Jamie King) has swiped the bunnies so that they don’t have to die. Becky and Steven continue their dance, literally, in a sexy kitchen tango montage.

Unfortunately, the next call that comes in from Julia is less than pleasant. She’s suffering from my-body-hasn’t-had-to-process-meat-for-who-knows-how-long projectile vomiting. Jack shows up for her and holds her hair back, but then dumps her anyway after she blames him for coercing her into compromising her morals.

Becky praises Jack for dumping a waffler, while saving the night’s special by killing the bunnies. She’s about to hit the jackpot, also successfully getting Steven to beg her for sex after upping the ante to $200, but her rabbit-slaying badassery has caught Jack’s eye.

So, after a ten-year history, and two whole episodes of will-they-or-won’t-they, Jack and Becky finally consummate their tension to “There She Goes” by The La’s, better known as the song that plays during this Parent Trap montage:

Sigh. (No, but really, it’s embarrassing how romantic we find this totally contrived Kitchen Confidential moment.)

Watch the episode below — and check out previous recaps here.

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