The 6 Most Bonkers Things Trump Said During Surreal Meeting With Top Military Brass

President Donald Trump summoned hundreds of U.S. generals and admirals to Quantico, Virginia on Tuesday and, following a takedown of DEI by Secretary of War Pete Hegseth, launched into a freewheeling address.

Throughout, the president offered his view on subjects ranging from nuclear weapons, to his love of gold-edged stationery, to the care he takes on the stairs, having witnessed the price of former President Joe Biden’s own struggles with them.

Here are the wildest digressions from the speech:

1. The Other “N-Word”

Never one for understatement, Trump told his audience he had quietly parked a nuclear submarine — or maybe two — off the Russian coast before veering into a lecture about the two “n-words” you just can’t say.

I moved a submarine or two — I won’t say about the two — over to the coast of Russia just to be careful because we can’t let people throw around that word. I call it the n-word. There were two n-words and you can’t use either of them. You can’t use either of them. And, frankly, if it does get to use we have more than anybody else.

2. Trump’s Gold-Plated Paper Chase

For Trump, commissioning a general must involve “big, beautiful, firm paper” with extra gold trim, not “garbage.”

When I have a general and I have to sign for a general, we have beautiful paper, the gorgeous paper, I say throw more gold on it, they deserve it,” he explained. “I want the A-paper, not the D-paper. We used to sign our piece on garbage. I said, ‘this man will be a general, right? I want to use this. I want to use the big, beautiful, firm paper. I want to use the real gold writing when you talk about the position’ – and they’re beautiful.

3. Signature Moves

The stationery tangent segued, naturally, into Trump’s adoration of his own handwriting.

Biden, he said, outsourced most of that work to the autopen — a machine which, in Trump’s telling, scrawled a “much better” signature than the former president himself:

You go through years of work and now you become an admiral or a general or whatever, and when you do the president of the United States signs your commission, as you know, and that commission is beautifully displayed. And I sign it.

Actually, I love my signature, I really do. Everyone loves my signature.

But I sign it very proudly and I always think to myself how can you have an autopen sign this? To me it’s just totally disrespectful. And it turned out just about everything [Biden] did was signed by an autopen except for what he gave his son, Hunter – pardon – he signed that one. And that’s actually the worst signature I’ve ever seen, the autopen looks much better.

4. Obligatory Nobel Prize Snub

Boasting of brokering peace deals from South Asia to Africa, Trump explained why he deserves the Nobel Prize, why doesn’t want it, and why he’ll never get it.

India and Pakistan were going at it. I called them both and in this case I used trade. I won’t trade with you. Two big nuclear nations – big nuclear. ‘No, no, no, you cannot do that.’ I said ‘yes I can. You go into this war that I’m hearing about.’ Seven planes they shot down. It was starting. A lot of bad blood. I said ‘you do this, there won’t be any trade’ and I stopped the war. It was raging for four days. That was just the beginning. And we stopped it. It was a great thing. The prime minister of Pakistan was here along with the Field Marshall, who is a very important guy in Pakistan, and he was here three days ago. I didn’t even realize it, as beautiful as he said it, he said to a group of people that were with us, two generals, but a group, he said this man saved millions of lives because he saved the war from going on and that war was going to get very bad. Very, very bad. President Trump saved millions and millions of lives. That was a bad war and I was very honored. I love the way he said it. Susie Wiles was there. She said that was the most beautiful thing. We saved a lot of them. Saved a lot of them.

Even in Africa we saved the Congo with Rwanda. They have been fighting for 31 years, 10 million people dead. I got that one done and very proud of it. So if this works out, we’ll have eight. Eight in eight months. That’s pretty good. Nobody has ever done that.

Will you get the Nobel prize? Absolutely not. They’ll give it to some guy that didn’t do a damn thing. They’ll give it to a guy that wrote a book about the mind of Donald Trump and what it took the solve the wars and the Nobel prize will go to a writer.

We’ll see what happens but it’ll be a big insult to our country. I don’t want it, I want the country to get it. And it should get it because there’s never been anything like it. Think of it, if this happens – I think it will, I don’t say that lightly because I know more about deals than anybody.

5. Trump’s Fifth Favorite Word

Trump then turned to what he said moves him most: tariffs. Once his “favorite word in the English dictionary,” tariffs now rank only fifth — somewhere below God and family, but still above most things.

From his lips:

One of the first executive orders I signed upon taking office was to restore the principle of merit – that’s the most important word, other than the word tariff. I love tariffs. The most beautiful word. But I’m not allowed to say that anymore. Tariff is my favorite word. I love the word tariff. You know we’re becoming rich as hell.

[…]

But I said my favorite word in the English dictionary is the word tariff. But people thought that was strange. The fake news came over and hit me hard on it and said ‘what about love? what about religion? what about God? what about wife? family?’ I got killed when I said tariff is my favorite word. So I changed, it is now my fifth favorite word and I’m okay with that. But they hit me hard. But it is, when you look we’ve taken in trillions of dollars. We’re rich again.

6. A Staircase Philosophy —  ‘Be Cool’

Trump also offered a meditation on using the stairs. America, he said, is “respected again,” unlike under Joe Biden, who was “falling down stairs every day.” One thing the president admired about Barack Obama, meanwhile, was that he could “bop down” steps like Fred Astaire. Trump, however, insisted he prefers to take it slow:

America is respected again as a country. We were not respected with Biden. They looked at him falling down stairs every day. Every day the guy is falling downstairs. They said ‘It’s not our president.’ We can’t have it.

I’m very careful. You know, when I walk down stairs for like, when I’m on stairs, like these stairs, I walk very slowly. Nobody has to set a record, just try not to fall because it doesn’t work out well. A few of our presidents have fallen, and it became a part of their legacy. We don’t want that. Walk nice and easy. You’re not – You don’t have to set any record. Be cool. Be cool, when you walk down. But don’t bop down the stairs.

So one thing with Obama, I had zero respect for him as a president, but he would bop down those stairs, I’ve never seen ‘Ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba!’ He’d go down the stairs, wouldn’t hold on, I said, ‘it’s great.’ I don’t want to do it. I guess I could do it, but eventually bad things are going to happen and it only takes once.

Watch above via CNN.