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The Five 2012 GOP Primary Candidates Who Want Another Shot


The 2012 GOP primary was a horror show of sexual harassment allegations, drowning fact checkers, and candidates being unable to name more than two government agencies. Who would want to revisit that?

Well, the 2012 candidates are hoping a vast majority of the GOP electorate do. At least four prominent also-rans have announced interest in running again, while a dark horse fifth candidate has a drafting committee after him. Only one question remains: whither Newt?

Cainmentum

It’s hard to pick a favorite moment from the pizza magnate’s quixotic run that actually saw him briefly top the GOP polls: “9-9-9” was good, quoting Pokemon to end a debate was better, “Ubeki-beki-beki-stan” was the best. Then he exited stage right after multiple sexual harassment claims.

Cain recently hinted at a 2016 presidential run, in what the Washington Post called a “virtual repeat of his speech before the same crowd four years ago, when he teased his 2012 presidential run.”

Me? I’m for it. The Arrested Development character he inspired was well worth the shenanigans.

Perrymentum

Rick Perry doesn’t want to be coy. “I am preparing for the possibility of a presidential run,” he said the other day.

Perry’s feeling confident: the back problems and resulting medication that maybe (maybe) led to his disastrous “oops” comment are behind him; the border crisis is simultaneously allowing him to appear tough and resolute against the federal government while also committing his “you don’t have a heart” comment about DREAMers, which cost him dearly among the 2012 base, far into the past. Plus, he’s got new hipster glasses.

For a reminder of why another Perry lap will be fun for everybody but those in the party he’s trying to lead, look no further than a few weeks ago, when Perry stepped in a big pile of homosexuality-is-like-alcoholism. The glasses don’t control his mouth.

Bachmannmentum

“The only thing that the media has speculated on is that it’s going to be various men that are running (in 2016),” Michele Bachmann said in an interview with Real Clear Politics today. “They haven’t speculated, for instance, that I’m going to run. What if I decide to run? And there’s a chance I could run.”

Yeah, not much of one, though. Bachmann surged very early in the 2012 primary before her campaign collapsed; that campaign is now the subject of House Ethics investigation, which many believe spurred Bachmann’s retirement from Congress.

Bachmann gave the 2012 primary one of its most bizarre and memorable moments, when she addressed a fictional link between the HPV vaccine and mental retardation, proof of which she claimed she had received from some woman after a debate. Actually, Bachmann’s stream of nonsense was so steady it overwhelmed fact checkers, to the point that many of them gave up.

Santorummentum

Laugh all you want. Santorum was the most surprisingly successful candidate in 2012, taking comparatively little funding, a social conservative message hopelessly out of touch with the general populace, and seven drawers of sweaters and turning it into a viable national campaign that legitimately threatened frontrunner Mitt Romney. He also successfully solved his Google problem.

Noting that he’ll be in Iowa in two weeks, Santorum all but said he was testing the 2016 holy water. “Right now, we’re doing everything consistent with taking the shot at 2016,” he told Newsmax.

I’ll personally fund his campaign if we can get him to say “bullshit” again. It was like watching Ned Flanders cuss.

Romneymentum

Lulz.

[Images via Christopher Halloran / Shutterstock.com / Christopher Halloran / Shutterstock.com / Christopher Halloran / Shutterstock.com / Albert H. Teich / Shutterstock.com / spirit of america / Shutterstock.com]

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