WHO’S YOUR ARI? Entourage Characters in the Media World

This Sunday, July 12 (10:30-11:00 p.m. ET/PT) the old gang from Queens (plus one foul-mouthed agent) will return to HBO in the sixth season of Entourage to hang out, make out, whore out and hug it out. By now, we know them all – Vince, E., Turtle, Drama, Ari, even Llloyd – and mostly love them, or love to hate them. Part of the reason the show works, of course, is that we can identify with each character – the relationships, the ambitions, the insecurities, the egos – each is an archetype so familiar that we can’t help thinking that it might as well be about us. That could be because the media world is full of ambitious, insecure, egotistical people – who are we to say? But now that we’re on the subject…here’s who we’d cast in the media version of Entourage: Bros Before Prose. Just call it the Pressy Posse.

So without further ado, here’s our Entourage:

Eric – We can’t help but see NBC’s White House correspondent Chuck Todd as our own sort of “E.” He’s down-to-earth, smart, likeable, but has shown himself to be surprisingly savvy about maneuvering his way to the top of the pack. Like his mentor Tim Russert, he’s no pin-up. But the nice-guy nerd bit endeared him to old and new media alike, and his natural charm, hard work and ambition have made him the unlikeliest of players inside the Beltway. In a world of distasteful bad guys, he’s the good guy who succeeds.

Turtle – The rough-around-the-edges hustler, Turtle is always down for a good time. The anti-intellectual, he often spouts conventional wisdom for comedic effect. Everything he touches seems to turn to gold – not just his rapper discovery (played by Lil’ Bow-Wow), but he’s upgraded his fangirl-in-the-hottub pickings to Jamie-Lynn Siegler, who seems to have genuinely fallen for him. (Oh, Meadow.) Can we be honest here? That level of success is completely implausible. Just like…Glenn Beck! His wild success also defies logic. The number-one books! Those ratings! That Fox contract! Like Turtle, he is constantly on the hustle (really, comedy tours?) but despite the outrageous things he says and does, somehow that twinkle in his eye seems to give him a pass.

Johnny Drama – Oh, Johnny Drama, we’re rooting for you. You try so hard, you dream so big, and you want it more than anything. Your earnest, hopeful, starry-eyed faith in the future and in getting your just reward is truly inspiring, even if you can never quite make it stick. That’s why you remind us of Maer Roshan, who embodied that spirit of doomed hope and persistence in dreaming the dream with his dogged devotion to Radar, the first time…and the second time…and the third time. By the end there, our fingers hurt from crossing them so hard. People like that may not always be able to keep the dream alive, but you gotta love ’em for trying.

Ari – Who else in the media world enjoys a more renowned love/hate relationship with everyone than Michael Wolff? He’s got a finger in every pie, deals across town, and knows how to roll with the punches – the ones he takes to the gut (cough, New York mag) and the ones he delivers (hi, Rupert!).He’s also one step ahead of his critics – Newser‘s hard to read and messy, you say? His $2.5 million in funding says different, thanks. Like Ari, he knows how to bring home the bacon — though neither of them strike us as particularly kosher.

Mrs. Ari Gold – A shout-out here for the women of Entourage – never the focal characters, but damned if they don’t make their mark. (Oh, would you like to shout down Debi Mazar?) Mrs. Ari puts up with a lot of crap from her husband, but she’s the only one he’ll really answer to. At the end of the day though, she’s his rock, his partner in this crazy, crazy world. Who does that remind us of? Why, MSNBC’s Mika Brezenski, who has to keep her own loudmouth in line on Morning Joe. As much as she chides her version, Joe Scarborough, and tries to keep him in line, she’s still the staunchest partner going (yep, that’s been her on his book tour, merrily co-hawking his book).

Vince – Despite being at the center of each character’s life, Vince is sort of a blank slate – easygoing, genial, good-looking but the headlines are mostly written by those around him. Who does that remind you of? For us, that’s New York Observer publisher Jared Kushner – smack-dab in the middle of one of the most storied publications in the city, writing about its most interesting people, and what do we really know about him? That he’s dating Ivanka? He’s sort of a cipher, but essential for everyone else to do their thing. How would Vince fare without his E? Jared just lost his version in Peter Kaplan – and the NYO posse started to splinter shortly after that.

Which brings us back to the central message of the show: Keep your friends close. Full stop. Life just isn’t as good without a posse. Those and other lessons of Entourage will be back this Sunday. Tune in. In the meantime, the media drama goes on around us – so tune in here, too.

Watch the Entourage season six trailer here. We’re not sure, but it looks like Vince might have sex with someone.

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This is an opinion piece. The views expressed in this article are those of just the author.