60 Minutes/Vanity Fair Poll Asks Weird Questions, Gets Weird Answers

Did you ever wonder how many Americans want to replace Uncle Sam with an older version of New York Yankees star and former steroid-user Alex Rodriguez? I mean, of course you did, because you smoke marijuana.

Anyway, CBS News decided to take the best ideas you probably thought up while you were high and ask a bunch of Americans in the latest 60 Minutes/Vanity Fair poll. Click through for the results to that question and more!:

Here are your results – peruse them all and enjoy.

And here’s a breakdown:

• Let’s start with the A-Rod/Uncle Sam scenario. Here’s the full question: “Whose likeness would make the best updated Uncle Sam?” 71% of respondents were like, ‘what the hell is this question?’ while 29% decided to pick an answer. Here’s how CBS summed up the results:

Morgan Freeman is great at playing God but only 11 percent of those polled think he can fill Uncle Sam’s shoes. Only five percent think our uncle should become our aunt and despite their good looks, older versions of Matt Damon, A-Rod and Keanu Reeves won’t be gracing recruiting posters any time soon.

Wait, you didn’t think Neo would be the new symbol of America?

• Staying with the sports theme, CBS/VF asked about the “top sports role model.” There weren’t many choices – two tennis players, one football and baseball player, a race car driver and a snowboarder. 45% took none of the above.

• Since awards shows are in the news, this is timely: “Which award show is a ‘must see’?” 68% of America said who cares.

• How about more existential. If you could live at any time in history, what would you pick? “Right now” is the top choice by far, with the Wild West coming in at #2.

• And one more. They want to know what phrase you would “like to say” in your lifetime. The top response was “beam me up,” because America either wants to go to space or they are big fans of Sci-Fi conventions. The second choice: “I’ll take popular songs for $600.” And with the bronze, “I will faithfully execute the office of president.” So 13% more Americans would rather go on Jeopardy than become President. But more people would rather say “beam me up.”

The point of all this? I love America, and you should too. At least that’s what Uncle Older Alex Rodriguez wants.

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