Everything I Know About Cars I Learned From Everything Except Cars

The Dukes of Hazzard “The General Lee” 1969 Dodge Charger I admit it: When it comes to The Dukes of Hazzard, I was impacted far more strongly by the style choices of Daisy Duke than anything else. But I also remember that the General Lee was an essential tool for brazen mischief-making, and that the doors always seemed to be superfluous when the windows were open. I had no concept of Southern politics — which was how it took me about a decade to make the connection between Dukes of Hazzard and one of my favorite Neil Diamond songs — all I knew is that Bo and Luke were good ol’ boys and cars were meant to leave big trails of dust behind them.

Pretty Woman Lotus Espirit This scene in Pretty Woman is all about confounding expectations: The rich guy can’t handle the hot car (status without skill), the hooker has hidden talents that hint at revelations to come (her hair’s not really blonde!). “This baby corners like she’s on rails!” exclaims Julia Roberts to Richard Gere, which he quotes back to his buddy later on in the film. Aww. She has something she can teach him! She has something she can teach me, too: Driving a Lotus Esprit in thigh-high black shiny boots will snag you a rich husband. Damn. Why don’t I have my license again?

Archie Comics Archie’s Jalopy Archie…Archie Andrews…Where Are You? Why, in his jalopy of course! I actually still don’t know what a “jalopy” is. Is it a type of car, like a sedan or a sports car, or does it denote a decrepit, beat-up clunker? Turns out it’s a clunker, according to Merriam Webster (“A dilapidated old vehicle“), but it never seemed to keep Archie from scoring facetime with Betty and/or Veronica (further evidence, then, that you don’t necessarily need new pistons, plugs and shocks to be a pussy wagon). Anyhow, thanks to Archie comics I was able to appreciate the name Jalopnik (a dilapidated Yiddish car?), even if I didn’t understand why Betty stuck around when Archie was such a weakling and Veronica was such an underminer. She should have moved in on Moose, she could have taken Midge easily. Meanwhile, you just knew Dilton Doiley founded a tech startup and cashed out huge after an inflated IPO.

The Love Bug 1963 Volkswagen Beatle Confession: I never saw this movie, the original or the Lindsay Lohan version. But after a childhood of playing countless games of Punchbuggy on endless car trips, the reference was not lost on me. Is there a more distinct chassis than that of the VW bug? (And am I using the word “chassis” correctly? Because I learned it from musical theater, too). Car expert though I’m not, I’m still gonna say definitively: No.

>>>NEXT: The Lessons of Ferris Bueller, The Lessons of Cannonball Run, and Nuns Fucking Up Nazis But Good

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