Jersey Shore Episode 5 Recap: The Note, The Situation, The Hippopotamus

recap/slideshow

by Steve Krakauer | 12:20 pm, August 27th, 2010

» 3 comments

Jersey Shore‘s fifth episode began with a 10-second scene featuring Jwoww and her breasts. She’s staring at herself in the mirror, maneuvering her fake mammaries when a disapproving glare comes across her usually blank face.

They aren’t perky enough apparently, or large enough, or something. Saying more in that look than if she attempted to formulate a sentence to describe her emotion at the time, we enter episode five. Let’s recap the shitshow.

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A Successful Situation

Episode five begins with what appears to be one of the most successful situations in Jersey Shore history. He finds some girls that Pauly D describe as "DTF" (down to...). But wait, back at the house, two more girls show up. "Now I have Kristin and she’s with her friend who just happened to be a hippopotamus," says The Situation. Stay tuned!

Gay Pride Week Claims Another Guido Relationship

Snooki and Jwoww celebrate Gay Pride Week in Miami - and Emilio, Snooki's boyfriend (still?) isn't happy. "You went on a date with guys?!" he yells, just not getting it. Jwoww is drunk, but clear-headed enough to mumble, "It’s gay parade week…end."

An MVP Strategy

So the MVPs come up with a plan. Vinny and Pauly D will go into one room with two girls. Then: "I will extract the hot one and leave the grenade to blow up in Ronnie’s room by herself."

Goodnight, Hippo

More from The Situation: "I put the hippopotamus to bed. Then I take Christine, Kristen or whatever her name is into the smash room." Two things of note: 1) the guys actually pulled this off! This would be amazing even for Mensa-level guidos. And 2) there is a "smash room." Of course there is.

Mind Your Manners When You Insult Angelina

Angelina is lazy and mean to Snooki (which she does not need right now). She just keeps talking on the phone and not helping clean up. Then The Situation tells her to get up and help. She doesn't like this action. "Shut the fuck up!" yells Angelina. "Say please, say please." The Situation obliges her: "You know what, please hit the treadmill, please."

Defusing The Situation

And after the fight, there's an apology, because "I’m sort of a softie sometimes." Angelina is satisfied for now. "The Situation was a man in that situation," she says.

The Note That Changed Everything

Ok folks, the moment we all were (not) waiting for. Sammi finds the note. Ronnie wants to know who typed it. At first he suspects Jwoww and Snooki, but then his suspicions are dashed when he sees the word "wisely." "I know Snooki doesn’t use that kind of vocabulary," he says. So what is it with this note business, Ron-Ron? "It’s people in this house not minding their own fucking business, that’s what it is." Got it.

Wisely, Ronnie Denies, Denies, Denies

Ronnie admits to a couple minor note-related incidents, but not the big hook-up revelation. "I’m definitely not a saint," says Ronnie. "If I probably walked through church right now I’d fucking burst into flames to be honest with you."

The Dumbest Bitch

The Situation, of course, reveals that the note is true. "Well because, I mean, multiple facts…I mean, it is the truth." Sammi says she's "done, done," but of course she isn't, ever. Jwoww sums up the current state of their relationship: "If they end up back together she looks like the dumbest bitch."

GT...S

After the break-ish-up, Ronnie is reeling. He gets his phone book adn calls his "hometown honey." Seriously, she is not given a name by MTV. This is what he tells her: "I got my GT on so you have to come down and help me with the S." When Sammi inevitably finds him, he says he's talking to T.J. Important question as we await episode six: "Does T.J. know Jay 420?"

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Jersey Shore, Jwoww, MTV, MTV's Jersey Shore, Snooki, The Situation

Nachi

Americana at its current best. No wonder Murcuh’s so respected globally. Duh.
The Worst generations – with the Wrong stuff.
Independent

Steve, your Jersey Shore re-caps read like a Grandmother trying to explain Lady Gaga to her bridge club. Way to suck the life out of it.

Oh and Nachi: get over yourself, it’s an over the top television show where people are paid sh!tloads of cash to act like idiots, i’m sure you’d have no problem doing that for 30 grand an ep.
NORBIT

VACUOUS NATION! – and I don’t mean just the Democrats, this time.
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