Senator Ted Cruz Doesn’t Know How To Set Up His $800 Chess Board

Tommy ChristopherSep 29th, 2013, 12:06 am

Tea Party hero and Sillibuster™-er extraordinaire Ted Cruz (R-TX) likes to reek modesty about his former life as an Ivy League snob, but couldn’t resist an ostentatious display of his chess-playing ways with a humble-braggy Twitpic of an opening chess gambit against colleague and fellow Obamacare non-defunder Senator Mike Lee (R-UT). Aside from the utterly predictable move, there was one other problem: Cruz had set up his chess board incorrectly.

On Friday night, Sen. Cruz tweeted “.@SenMikeLee #YourMove pic.twitter.com/d9UNzKTPAK,” accompanied by this picture of a weird 3D Chess board that isn’t actually 3D chess, but regular chess with blocks:

Business Insider‘s Joseph Wiesenthal was quick to pick up on the gaffe:

Psst. Your queen and king are on the wrong starting squares. RT @SenTedCruz: .@SenMikeLee #YourMove pic.twitter.com/SHmcr7Hc1A

Not only that, but Cruz has the gold queen’s pawn making the first move, while the board’s design clearly indicates the grayish silver side should get the first move.

There are a few possible explanations. It’s possible Cruz messed up because he almost put his eye out with one of the queen’s giant breasts. The other is that Cruz’s photo was intended to be a tableau of his recent legislative strategy, which is to look an awful lot like you’re doing something, but not actually doing the thing that you’re acting like you’re doing, while consequently having no chance to win. Or maybe he just doesn’t know how to set up a chess board. “Queen takes her color” is an awful lot to remember.

If you would like to fail at chess Ted Cruz-style, it’ll only cost you $799.95 for The Barrister’s Chess Set, whose “Pieces are handcrafted from cold-cast bronze, and the board is constructed of cold-cast bronze and Italian travertine tile.”

Cruz isn’t the only one shaky on chess rules, however. The Hammacher Schlemmer photo of The Barrister’s Chess Set has the pieces set up correctly, but the gold queen’s bishop appears to have jumped lanes, and the pawns who’ve been taken off the board appear to have left voluntarily. It appears Hammacher Schlemmer knows their audience. They also offer a $12,000 Scrabble game.