Patti Stanger And Jenny McCarthy: Experts Without Expertise

Patti Stanger is inept primarily because she’s delusional.

The star of Bravo’s Millionaire Matchmaker, Stanger prides herself on her savvy ability to create romantic relationships from mid-air. Now in its fifth season, the show thrusts millionaires – usually men – into a roiling stew of potential mates – usually women. Patti lays down ground rules, a match is made, and all are happy.

Except: that never happens. In the first season, the introductory credits claimed that Stanger (who is a “third-generation matchmaker,” whatever that is) had a 99% success rate. In later seasons, that became a “very high” success rate. In practice, as seen on the show, it could be well-described as an “abysmally low” success rate.

I’ve seen probably every episode (God have mercy on me) and can attest to the fact that maybe 33% of the time, couples go out on a second date. Rarely are they still dating by the time the episode airs. One monkey sitting at one typewriter would type names of successful couples well before Stanger and her staff of cast-offs from Coney Island would.

This doesn’t deter Stanger from outlining her archaic, embarrassing rules for love every chance she gets. She recently caused a stir after an appearance on Bravo’s fan-friendly talk show, Watch What Happens Live, after matter-of-factly explaining that gays can’t maintain monogamous relationships, Jewish men lie, and that women should act dumb. For regular viewers, these pronouncements were hardly shocking: Stanger regularly utters similarly idiotic bromides. Men must be the agressor; women should be dolled up like they’re headed going to Hugh Hefner’s birthday party. It’s part of her schtick, yes – but she also obviously believes in the product she’s selling. After all, if her rules for matchmaking were wrong, it would mean her skills to that end were no better than anyone else’s. That they aren’t, of course, doesn’t distract her in the least.

Which is why it’s perfect – divinely, hair-pullingly perfect – that a special guest joins her on tonight’s episode. That guest: Jenny McCarthy, America’s premiere purveyor of wholly nonsensical horseshit. McCarthy, once known for being a Playboy bunny with a sense of humor, is now famous for being at the front of every “vaccines lead to autism!” parade in America. McCarthy is as knowledgable on medicine and science as Stanger – whose engagement was recently called off – is on romance.

It’s important to note: there is absolutely no demonstrable link between autism and vaccines. None. Zero. Just as Gardisil doesn’t lead to mental retardation, the anecdotal evidence of concerned parents (while legitimately heartbreaking) is evidence of almost nothing. Controlled studies conducted outside the emotional influence of an impacted party say the link just isn’t there.

Yesterday, a mind-boggling chart was posted by The Atlantic‘s Megan McArdle, showing that one expensive private school in the San Francisco Bay Area had student vaccination rates below 25%. These are parents who want so strongly for their children to be successful that they’ll pay $17,000 a year for a third grade education – but will forgo basic, proven medical treatments because they know better than the doctors who insist that vaccinations have only minor side effects and bear enormous reward.

After all – wouldn’t it be great if retardation and autism and God knows what else were the result of something as simple as a vaccination, a medical insurance policy? It’s so easy, when talking with other parents (who are sure they read about a link between vaccines and various bad things in… was it The Times?) to think that the vaccine is the risky act, not the conservative one. But moreover – its so easy to assume that one’s own emotional, experiential view is more sound than that of some impersonal, objective study. Those doctors didn’t test my kid. I know what’s better for him.

That’s how McCarthy got into this racket. Her son Evan is autistic, and McCarthy is convinced that the culprit was a vaccine. She has been at the forefront of the cause, continuously defending a now-disgraced doctor whose faulty, biased research once implied such a link. Her son’s autism, then, isn’t Jenny’s fault. And nothing will change what she knows in her heart.

If it weren’t so damaging, it would be sad. One study indicated that 24% of parents respect the medical advice of celebrities like McCarthy. That Bay Area school is an example of what the cheerleading of McCarthy (and others) has done; California is seeing a 10-year high in reported measles cases, as fewer and fewer parents vaccinate. (Why California? California loves the nature-is-better mentality that casts a suspicious eye at medical intervention. See: Jobs, Steve.)

Stanger’s inept fumbling through the lives of “clients” is basically harmless, though infuriating for its complete lack of self-awareness. The only ones harmed are the (often highly unsympathetic) bachelors, who don’t find love and leave a little lighter in the wallet.

McCarthy’s ineptitude is much, much worse – though equally deluded. Her star turn as guest matchmaker tonight should give the lie to Stanger’s self-identified special gift, given that McCarthy’s all but guaranteed to match her success rate. But it won’t. Both Stanger and McCarthy are way too far down the dark wells of their own self-confidence for any rope – especially one of rationality – to reach them. They’ll just keep foundering in the dark, while praising each others’ efforts.

If only America’s supply of expertise matched its uncountable number of experts.