Jersey Shore Episode 2: Trashbags, Gray Hairs, Gas Grills

Angelina doesn’t leave the house without starting some more shit with The Situation, who is sort of becoming an emotional wreck and really doesn’t need this in his life. “You have a gray hair,” she says, baiting knowingly. “What the fuck is that? You have a gray hair!”

The Situation responded with a half-hearted slew of curses, followed by: “I wouldn’t be a dick if you weren’t being a little bitch.” The Situation sums up Angelina in an exit interview really well: “Angelina was like a half-ass firecracker. It fizzled out real quick and made a lot of noise.” So true. Goodbye Angelina.

Back to the Jwoww situation. She decides to call up her boyfriend and come clean about what went down with Pauly D. Except she stops short of the truth. “The night I drank too much I made out with Pauly,” she says, conveniently ignoring the fact that she also checked out his pierced penis, and loved it.

“I’ve been like fucking Suzy fucking Homemaker over here,” said Jwoww. (Yes, two f-bombs separated by the word Suzy). Now she promises the audience will get to see her “true, dirty, filthy, fucking side.” This is made more entertaining because her shirt says “dirty” and “filthy” on it. Maybe it’s her slogan.

The Situation is not the only one who is in a bit of denial about their respective relationship with Sweetheart. Here’s The Situation before Sweetheart and Ronnie go on a date: “I have my own relationship with Sammi and we’re like really, really tight and I’m not even jealous of the whole Ronnie/Sammi situation, because I just have so much going on myself.” So sad, The Situation. You have no situation going on at all.

Ronnie meanwhile, has gone full-on love mode with Sweetheart, which is a recipe for disaster. “It’s real. Definitely,” he says after their mini-golf date. No it isn’t, Ronnie. We promise. To further prove how real it is with Sweetheart, he takes the “shit where you eat” analogy literally, and says he’d roll around in his own shit for Sweetheart. But wait! The next night they are at a club and Ronnie begins to dance with another girl. So Sweetheart gives her number to another guy “out of spite.” Ronnie leaves angrily.

Finally, we must address The Situation and Snooki making out in the hot tub. Snooki is kind of feeling him. “He shows his good side and he shows his jerk off side,” she says. “That’s what I like.”

Here’s your Jersey Shore moment of the week. Two guidos try to figure out how to use a grill, fail miserably:

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• Jersey Shore Nickname Idea Of The Week – Captain Hook: (alternate nicknames, “The Hook,” “Hook”)

This is a nickname of “The Situation” variety, and allows multiple instances to drop the nickname in conversation or in reference to non-personalized situations. For example, your boy Gio could drive a truck for a beverage company and suddenly several cases of Red Bull that ‘fell off the truck’ ended up in your beach house kitchen. Your roommates could say “The Hook got the hook-up.” Or maybe you’re at Bamboo Bar and you’re fist-pumping with some cute girl who mysteriously has a protruding Adam’s apple and keeps trying to get you to take a walk to the alley next to the club. Your roommates could say, “The Hook hooked up with that tranny hooker.”

You can make your own Jersey Shore nickname here.

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