John Oliver Declares War on Cereal, Rails Against Cheerios’ ‘Empty’ Twitter Account

Despite taking the day off for Memorial Day weekend, John Oliver entered “the white void” on Sunday to set the record straight on a very important topic: cereal.

“I’m aware that there is a lot going on in the world right now,” Oliver said in Last Week Tonight‘s web exclusive. “But instead of focusing on any of that I’d like to raise a subject that is near and dear to my heart. And that is — there simply aren’t enough cereals.”

The host then clarified that there is no shortage of cereal, but that he is simply unhappy with the current selection of cereals.

“Remember Reese’s Puffs?” he asked. “When that first came out, no one even knew if that was legal. It was candy. For breakfast. The point is, when was the last time cereal news penetrated the mainstream since then? I’ll tell ya ― it fucking hasn’t!”

Oliver then praised a Frosted Flakes commercial featuring Shaquille O’Neal, only to later trash the actual cereal as “human scabs that have been non-consensually drenched in powdered sugar.”

“That is, start to finish, a perfect cereal commercial,” Oliver said. “In just half a minute, it establishes a world in which Tony the Tiger exists, has a handsomely decorated home office, including a custom Tony nameplate, apparently video chats Shaquille O’Neal every single morning for breakfast and that they love each other. That is a more richly detailed cinematic universe than what Marvel has made in 13 fucking years.”

The host then went after another cereal — Cheerios — but largely for the company’s Twitter account. 

“They’ve submitted to the worst, toothless impulses that dominate positivity Twitter,” he said. “They deliver empty nonsense like, ‘Good morning! Today is yours.’ What?!”

Oliver then offered up a challenge — claiming that if those running the page “simply use their official account to tweet, ‘Fuck you,'” he would donate $25,000 to a charity of their choice. If they direct message a random user that same thing, Oliver promised to raise the price to $50,o00.

Watch above, via YouTube.