SNL Cold Open Mocks Senate Hearings, Finds Trump Guilty in Impeachment ‘Trial You Wish Had Happened’


Saturday Night Live‘s cold open sketch mocked the “dry debate and posturing” of the real-life Senate trial of President Donald Trump on abuse of power and obstruction of Congress charges and instead offered up an imaginary, melodramatic, People’s Court-style “Trial You Wish Had Happened.”

Kicking off the sketch, the show ran a leader that read: “After months of anticipation, the impeachment trial of President Trump ended up consisting of two weeks of dry debate. For those hoping for more, here is the trial you wish had happened.”

Seconds later, TV personality Judge Greg Mathis (played by Keenan Thompson), appeared to kick Chief Justice John Roberts out of his role as presiding judge.

“This court needs a real judge who got some big brass ones under his skirt,” Thompson’s Mathis intoned.

“You want my gavel?” an intimidated Roberts responded.

“I brought my own. Watch out. We about to do this trial right,” Mathis boomed.

The sketch then called up Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, who exclaimed: “I want to remind the American people that all men are innocent after proven guilty.”

“You mean, until proven guilty?” Mathis corrected.

“He he he he he. Sure,” an impish McConnell responded.

Next, Sen. Lindsey Graham, played by the inimitable Kate McKinnon, flounced his way to the defendant’s table and proclaimed Trump’s innocence.

“Now, I may be a simple country simpleton, but I have studied this from top to bottom and I don’t see any other option,” Graham said.

“You’ve studied the case?” Mathis asked.

“No, I’ve studied my chances of getting re-elected and it ain’t gonna happen unless I kiss Mr. Trump’s grits and tickle his biscuits. That’s why I do declare that Mr. Trump innocent or my name isn’t Lindsey Valerie Beauregard Matlock GRAHAM!”

“Alright, I’m done with this nonsense,” Mathis exclaimed. “We are calling witnesses, because that’s how a damn trial works. John Bolton, get your Lorax ass in here!”

“The things I saw President Trump do and say, made me deeply worried about the future of democracy,” Bolton barked out.

“And why are you only coming out with this now?” Mathis pressed.

“Because I’m a messy bitch who loves drama,” Bolton shot back.

“Oooh, this I like. Don’t leave me on red. Give me some of that hot tea. What else is in that book of yours?” Mathis asked.

“Sorry, judge. No more free spoilers,” Bolton replied. “But you can preorder the book now. It’s called Harry Potter and the Room Where It Happened.

After an objection by McConnell, Mathis agreed to bring Hunter Biden in for questioning as well.

Riding in on a hoverboard, Pete Davidson’s Biden denied any role in Trump’s Ukraine quid pro quo. When asked his current job, Biden replied: “I’m on the board of a Brazilian money laundering company called, uh, Nepotismo.”

“So you admit you only got the job because of your father?” Mathis confirmed.

“That’s right. I’ve been selling Biden Steaks from my office at the top of Biden Tower and letting foreign leaders stay at Biden-a- Lago,” Biden said. “Oh wait, no, that’s the president sons. Ya burnt!”

Finally, Mathis called on Trump, played once again by Alec Baldwin, to appear and defend himself. The courtroom doors dramatically swung open to reveal a hunched over Trump slowly pushing a walker up the aisle.

“Okay. Now, what is happening here?” Mathis asked in disgust.

“Your honor, I’m a very sick old man. How could I withhold aid from the Ukraine, I can barely get around the house,” Trump meekly offered.

“President Trump are you trying to Weinstein me right now?”

” In which sense, because Harvey and I overlap in a few areas?” Trump asked.

“Mr. President, what is your defense?”

“My defense is very simple, your honor. ‘I’m guilty, but it ain’t no thing,'” Trump shot back, before giving his closing statement moments later..

“Ladies and gentlemen of this government place,” he began. What I’ve learned from this trial is that clearly nothing I do or say has any consequence, so I’d like to complain, about everything. The call with the Ukraine wasn’t perfect, it was illegal. And frankly, it was a butt dial. And frankly, I watch CNN all the time. And it’s awesome, I hate the following states: Iowa, Michigan, Pennsylvania, Ar-KANsas and West Virginia. West Carolina, I’m sorry. I see it all the time at golf, taxes, wives, bathroom scales, I’m not 239 pounds, I’m 475 pounds. And I don’t really need this walker either, although it does help me be lazier, which I like. What else? I cut the funding to the CDC so this Wang Chung virus is really going to be bad. But trial has been incredible because I now have a best friend. Mitch McConnell. He’s a ride or die bitch. And we’re going to be linked forever, right, Mitch?”

After a brief musical number where McConnell questions his life choices to the tune of Send in the Clowns, Mathis proclaims Trump guilty, fines him $10,000 and demand he say one nice thing about Speaker Nancy Pelosi.

“Fine. Her body’s an 8,” Trump conceded.

“I’ll take it,” Mathis declared.

Watch the video above, via NBC.


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