50 Celebrities We Kinda-Sorta Jokingly Wish Were Actually Senators

Massachusetts: Matt Damon
My secret theory is that Matt Damon would be what happens if a Kennedy and Elizabeth Warren ever had a baby. In any case, anyone is better than Martha Coakley, so, yeah.

Michigan: Kid Rock
Oh come on, it would be funny. And he’s popular with blue-collar Republicans.

Minnesota: Prince
This is the state that gave us not one, but two high-profile celebrity politicians (Jesse Ventura as Governor and Al Franken as Senator), which means that the celebrity must manage to top a former WWE wrestler and a blue-mouthed comedian. Who could possibly do that, but the legendary Prince?

Mississippi: Oprah
Self-evident.

Missouri: Jon Hamm
Most Likely to Look Like A Senator (and also a very good dude.)

Montana: Jeff Bridges
Sure, he’s got the stately hair of a Senator already, and a coolness that the Senate’s been missing since Joe Biden left, but he’s got something else: Popular will. The people of Montana were clamoring for his candidacy after War College Plagiarist dropped out.

Nebraska: Warren Buffett
Also self-evident: You would have all howled in despair if the world’s wealthiest investor didn’t make it on this list. Instead of influencing politics from inside his mansion, why not cut out the middleman and go directly to D.C.?

Nevada: Penn Jillette
The freakishly tall, freakishly loud magician could be a latter-day libertarian LBJ (in terms of his Senatorial tactics), should he be so inclined. Oddly enough, he’s probably the most eloquent libertarian out there. Seems like a good fit for the libertarian moment.

New Hampshire: Seth Meyers
The Senate has been kind to former SNL cast members. Meyers wouldn’t be the worst choice.

New Jersey: Bruce Springsteen
Look, all I know about Bruce Springsteen is that everyone loves him, (almost) nobody hates him, and that he wears American flags a ton, which, for most people, indicates that he would be a very popular Senator. He also cares about politics, though in confusing ways sometimes.

New Mexico: Gov. Gary Johnson
Instead of perpetually running for President, why not go to the Senate and pull a Rand Paul on everyone?

New York: Lena Dunham
The obligatory Millennial spot goes to the obligatory rage-spiraling Millennial, who, let’s be honest, would represent Millennial interests by making everyone feel uncomfortable, resulting in much entertainment. She’s got two more years before she could run, however.

North Carolina: Michael Jordan
Athlete, businessman, and beloved Tar Heel, Michael Jordan could push a legislative agenda simply by sheer celebrity. And his golf game is excellent.

North Dakota: Phil Jackson
Jackson could push a legislative agenda simply by coasting along with Michael Jackson’s sheer celebrity. Also: He’s one of the greatest coaches. The Senate needs a good coach.

Ohio: Drew Carey
He’s got a lot to say about politics, cares deeply about his hometown of Cleveland, and already has a core fan base of older people. Perfect.

Oklahoma: Sam Walton
Because every Senate class has an obligatory oligarch (not couting Buffett from above).

Oregon: Fred Armisen
He’s not even from Oregon, but he’s become a symbol of it via Portlandia. He’s so strongly rooted in the state’s cultural subconscious that it could actually work. And he’d be funny. Just do it, Fred.

Pennsylvania: Guion Bluford
Maybe you haven’t heard of him, but with John Glenn’s retirement in 1999, the Senate needs an astronaut hero. By all accounts, Bluford is definitely one. (And let’s face it, Pennsylvania, you’re getting off easy by being the state with the astronaut hero.)

Rhode Island: Seth MacFarlane
He cares deeply about science-related issues, and he’s pro…uh…being the only major celebrity that’s come out of the State of Rhode Island in a long time. (Pro-tasteless jokes is a bonus too, no?)

South Carolina: Stephen Colbert
He’s already tried to be President of the United States of South Carolina, and honestly, he got pretty close to doing it.

South Dakota: Larry Lessig
Actually, the more we think about it, the more Lessig as Senator makes some sense: The Harvard Law professor and the creator of Creative Commons recently made news for his Mayday PAC, a push to get corporate money out of politics, and would be a huge proponent for net neutrality. (Though the academic would probably have to find someplace to run that is not South Dakota.)

Tennessee: Samuel L. Jackson
A smart man will yield the floor to the Senator from Bad Motherfucker Land.

Texas: James McMurtry
James McMurtry understands Texas, especially the north-Texas southern-Oklahoma methamphetamine industry portion, as described in “Choctaw Bingo”, Ron Rosenbaum’s choice for our true national anthem. James McMurtry understands America, especially how we can’t make it here anymore. James McMurtry doesn’t believe in heaven, but he still believes in ghosts. James McMurtry works Winston Churchill quotes into his songs. James McMurtry believes you should tip your servers and bartenders. Good luck getting the same out of Cruz and Cornyn.

Utah: Robert Redford
Not only does he also look very senatorial, he has a long history of political involvement, especially in environmentalism, and he is essentially King of the Mountains.

Vermont: Trey Anastasio
Whatever, bruh. (Our LA Bureau Chief Matt Wilstein suggested this one. He just really likes Phish.)

Virginia: Dave Grohl
If DC is Hollywood for ugly people, and Dave Grohl is known as the nicest person in rock ‘n’ roll showbiz (and also good looking), then he’ll do just fine.

Washington: Jeff Bezos
Rich enough to buy whatever he wants, but not rich enough to be Bill Gates and rule the world, Bezos will streamline the Senate’s efficiency to the point where people will complain he’s too efficient.

West Virginia: Bob Huggins
West Virginians love their eponymous college and its sports teams. Men’s basketball coach Bob Huggins has revitalized the college’s program and has the nickname “Huggy Bear.” What could go wrong?

Wisconsin: Chris Noth
The state that elected Sean Duffy from the Real World to the House would absolutely certainly elect Mr. Big to the Senate for God knows what reason.

Wyoming: Dana Perino
Could always use more women in the Senate. This former Bush spokesperson turned Fox News personality would probably be a shoo-in for Cheney Country.

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This is an opinion piece. The views expressed in this article are those of just the author.