50 Celebrities We Kinda-Sorta Jokingly Wish Were Actually Senators
There are many people in America who are intelligent, capable, talented, and inspiring, with the desire to improve their world and the willpower to execute on that vision.
Few of them are in the United States Senate.
And today, many Americans will be forced to make a choice between two people they only know through their opponents’ attack ads, many of whom got their candidacy through the forces of politicking, interest groups, and chicanery. Inevitably, our Senate will continue to suck, as it has so grandly done for the past decade.
But what if we stacked the deck with people we think would make better senators? People we know about? People whose ideologies don’t really matter? People who, at the very least, would be more entertaining and less awful than the clown orgy we currently have in our Senate?
With that, we present our Fantasy Senate list, guaranteed to make you take to the comments section to yell at this very writer for including someone you hate, all while forgetting this is just a goofy list.
[Disclaimer: To all the celebrities on this list, please do not interpret our endorsements as actual endorsements for you to run for Senate. You’re all doing great at whatever you do right now, please don’t run for Senate, it’s a friggin’ mess in there and we hope to spare you from that awfulness. Except for the guy from Illinois. You should probably get in a time machine and go back to there.]
Alabama: Tim Cook
Though he made plenty of news this week for coming out, the Alabama native and Apple CEO is also legendary for his ruthless efficiency, building a logistical pipeline that trimmed Apple’s operational costs without compromising on the quality of the products. In short, he’d be a gay budget hawk, and nobody can hate on that.
Alaska: Dan Mintz
We tried, Alaska. We refuse to give you a Palin. So we’re going with Dan Mintz, comedian, and the voice behind the sexy Tina Belcher from Bob’s Burgers, because there is literally no other celebrity from your state that could work.
Arizona: Billy Graham
Not the preacher, but the wrestler; and only because he was a mentor to Jesse Ventura, who eventually became Governor of Minnesota. Imagine what Graham could do.
Arkansas: John Grisham
He could become the Senate’s big criminal justice reformer.
California: Clint Eastwood
Unlike many of the other states on this list, California is full of talented egomaniacs, from Silicon Valley to Hollywood to the desolation known as San Diego. As such, we’re going to throw them all out and go with Clint Eastwood, who has demonstrated: 1) Political leadership; and 2) The ability to not give a crap about what people think of him. He’s Clint goddamn Eastwood.
Colorado: Bill Murray
Bill Murray would be the most effective Whip, and here’s why: He could do anything to cajole people into voting in a certain way — showing up to their birthday parties, dangling them over cliffs, etc. — and no one would believe the stories.
Connecticut: Ann Coulter
Yes, Ann Coulter is from Connecticut (are you surprised), and yes, she’d probably start her own nativist caucus, but in terms of pure ability to be an entertaining and fiery senator, she could probably do it well.
Delaware: Aubrey Plaza
She has mighty big Joe Biden shoes to fill, but Plaza’s brand of get-the-hell-away-from-me-you-idiot interactions somehow could get things done, mostly because she’d come up with the fastest solution the quickest: Nothing. She’d also be a really young senator, which would spice things up a bit.
Florida: Tim Tebow
Tebow is the human avatar of two of Florida’s most important industries: Football and Jesus. He’ll represent them well.
Georgia: David Cross
He may be from a very red state, but he can blue himself when necessary.
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