How Not To Break Into Media

Michael MaliceSep 30th, 2009, 1:17 pm

Make Sure You Don’t Adhere to Spelling and Grammar Guidelines

Use “words” like “alright”. Dispense with commas to form needlessly comedic sentences (“I don’t know what else is open baby.” “Let’s just go lay down okay.”) You want to immediately convey the impression that you have never written anything in English (or even read it).

When You Don’t Get a Response, Escalate the Communication

If it was an email, text them. If it was a phone call, show up at their house. Make sure to escalate within a week.

When Your First Two Contact Attempts Fail, Try a Third

Thanks to terrorists, Iran and the Tri-Lateral Commission, it is likely—even probable—that your contact did not get your sundry emails and texts. Try Facebook.

Demand to Know Why Attention Hasn’t Been Paid

“What’s with the ignoring of my attempts at communication, dude?” works for anyone. You should set it as a macro to save time in the future.

Assure the Contact It’s OK If They Haven’t Read It

They have clearly been stressed that they have put their own paid, professional work ahead of your charity, amateur project.

Assume That Any Sort of Response is a Sign of Interest

“Still game to look it over?”

Inform Them How Long It Will Take

Since you’ve never been asked to read anything critically (and why would you be?), you’re uniquely qualified to tell your contact how long you expect the process to take them. i.e., “It’s two cups of coffee.” Implicit in this is that this would be the best possible use of their time.

Assure Them You Want Harsh Criticism

Let them know you have no idea about what makes a good or saleable project, by telling them you anticipate a brutal response. After all, there are no books, classes, articles or websites that teach the basics of anything in any field. (Yes, this is a Syd Field pun.)

When They Send You “I Will Not Read Your Fucking Script” to Read, Don’t

What is this, Bizarro World? You send them things to read—not the other way around. You’ve established the rules at the outset, and without rules it’s just anarchy. Mad Men, yes. Mad Max, no.

Don’t Take No (or ANY Permutation Thereof) for An Answer

Take whatever reason they might use to indicate disinterest as a start to a debate. If they say, “I never read my friends’ work”, tell them you’re OK with being the first. If they say they’re too busy, tell them you’ll wait.

Confront Them in Person the Next Time You See Them

Inform how long it’s been since you sent them your project, so that they’re aware that they’re behind on the deadline you’ve decided for them.

>>>NEXT: The benefits of including a mutual friend!