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How Not To Break Into Media

malice_splendorWe’ve all read how-to articles that promise results but deliver very little. Despite one writer’s promise, it’s been 10 minutes and I still don’t have buns of steel. Well, not this time! Finally, here is some advice that is 100% guaranteed to achieve the stated goal: How not to break into media. Trust me, this will work: If you follow these simple steps, you will never ever ever work in any form of media.

As far as goals go, it’s not necessarily such a bad one.

Find a Friend Who Works In Media, and Decide They Will Be Your “Contact”

A “friend” can be as simple as someone you run into at parties. If your contact knows your name, it’s like you’re a celebrity to them—and people in media love kowtowing to celebrities.

Email Them Out of the Blue About Your Project

Don’t ever mention beforehand that you are working on a script. Foreshadowing is too “writery”. You definitely don’t want to feel them out in person or on the phone to see if they’re potentially interested. If it’s important to you, it’s important to your contact.

Send Them Your Project, Unsolicited

“Ask” them if they’d be interested in reading your project, and inform them that it’s attached. Remember how Columbia House used to mail you CDs if you didn’t send in the card? That’s how you want your contact to think of you. You want them to think of you as Columbia House (or, possibly, BMG).

Demand a Response of Some Form or Another

“If you’re too busy, just let me know” is a good one. After all, even the most powerful editor would send them a form rejection letter—and those mean so much.

Treat Them as Peers While Expecting Them to Treat You As a Professional

Make sure to have “funny” lines in your email, to show your contact that you are “pals”. i.e., “Sincere thanks in advance (if you choose to read it, otherwise piss off!)” You’re contacting them because of what they do for a living, but if you speak to them casually they’ll instantly forget that.

Use Emoticons to Prove You’re a Pro

Bonus points if you use emoticons that don’t actually correspond to any non-deformed human face, such as ;O

>>>NEXT: The benefits of ignoring grammar!

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