How Not To Break Into Media
If They Try to Explain Things to a Mutual Friend, Lose Your Shit
If your contact tries to get a common friend to advise you as to your ineptitude, take that as a sign of betrayal instead of an attempt to educate via a proxy. It’s impossible that they are trying to keep you from making beginner mistakes, or that they think there’s no talking to you. Clearly, you’ve demonstrated mastery of communication—other than verbally or in writing.
Insist They Repeat What They Told the Mutual Friend
Inform them how it’s best to communicate with you, since they are clearly still interested in this point with communicating with you as much as possible. “If you have something to say, say it to my face” is a classic that never gets old—like Moby Dick!
Do Not Let Them Demur
They communicate for a living; they owe you this much. Scowl, cross your arms, and wait for them to explain themselves to you. That’s how people know you’re listening: when you scowl at them.
Besmirch Their Character in Some Way
Accuse them of cowardice or duplicity. “You need to be a man and tell me what you’re feeling” works well with anyone. Men will get offended and women will get confused by the oxymoron.
Put Your Hand on Them While Talking Down to Them
This shows them who’s calling the shots, in case they were ever confused.
If All Else Fails, Drop Them from Facebook
Clearly this “friend” (so-called!) does not deserve the “privilege” of your “friendship”. But they’ll see. They’ll be quite envious when you’ve “made it” in media—even though they themselves already have.
Michael Malice is the subject of Harvey Pekar’s graphic novel Ego & Hubris. He is the co-author of Made in America, the New York Times bestselling memoirs of Ultimate Fighting Champion Matt Hughes, as well as co-author and founding editor of Overheard In New York.
This is an opinion piece. The views expressed in this article are those of just the author.
