This Exists: Planned Parenthood Gives Instructions On How To Safely Have Sex With Vampires

by Jon Bershad | 1:41 pm, October 31st, 2011

» 24 comments

A few months ago, the Center for Disease Control realized they could trick people into learning about disease prevention by jumping on the Zombie bandwagon currently devouring all pop culture. So they wrote up a quicky article jokingly instructing citizens how to keep themselves safe in the event of a zombie apocalypse. The Internet then promptly exploded. Seriously. The CDC’s website was running slowly for hours.

Well, cut to today and it looks like another public health organization wants to get in on that sweet monster-based relevance. In an email press release sent out today, Planned Parenthood has given some helpful advice on how to stay safe and STD-free while having sex with vampires.

Sure, zombies are more popular these days than vampires but, hey, no one wants to bang a zombie. At least I hope they don’t.

Here’s the full text from the email. It’s pretty awesome:

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: October 31, 2011
Contact: PPFA Media Office, 212-261-xxxx
Thinking About Having Sex with a Vampire This Halloween?

Planned Parenthood Is Here to Help

Let’s face it: vampires can rack up a lot of sexual partners over the years. Your vampire might be the same age as you, or she or he might be thousands of years old. But no matter how old you are, if you’re going to jump into bed with a vampire, you’re going to need more than a clove of garlic to protect your health.

Here are some things to think about before you enter into a sexual relationship with a vampire:

Vampires might be immortal, but you’re not. It’s important for both vampires and humans to get tested for STDs. Use this tool to find out if you should get tested for STDs.

Ladies, just because a vampire says he can’t get you pregnant*, it doesn’t mean he can’t give you an STD. And guys, just because a vampire says she’s on the pill, it doesn’t mean that you can’t get an STD. Use a condom correctly every time.

Don’t wait until you’re in the heat of the moment to bring up safer sex. Vampires have been known to “glamour” people to get their way, so play it safe and make it clear that you won’t have sex without protection right from the start.

Remember, a vampire who doesn’t care about protecting your health is not the kind of vampire that you want to get involved with. Not sure if you’re dating the right vampire? We can help you figure it out.

* Let’s not forget, Edward got Bella pregnant in the Twilight series, going against hundreds of years of vampire lore. So even if your vampire tells you he can’t get you pregnant, why risk it? Condoms are not only a great way to prevent STDs, they’re effective at preventing pregnancy. Even better, use a condom along with another birth control method.

All good information to know.

Now we just have to sit back and watch this email get mentioned in every vampire-related blog post published for the next 10 months. I’m not kidding. That CDC thing was mentioned as recently as a TV review from two days ago and it was published in freakin’ May!

(h/t I’m With Kanye via Talking Points Memo)

Center for Disease Control, Planned Parenthood, Vampires

Anonymous

This is why we need to publicly defund Planned Parenthood.
Anonymous

Kudos for Planned Parenthood for helping curb vampire procreation!!
http://www.facebook.com/people/Gregory-Smith/100001741334953 Gregory Smith

Well, it’s nice to know that my tax dollars (yes, PP gets government funding) are helping people avoid pregnancy with fictional characters. By the way, Bella could have had an abortion or taken it up the rear or in the mouth.

http://libertarians4freedom.blogspot.com/
Irish189

i would think the sadder part of this, as amusing as it is, is that this is the only meaningful people think that they can communicate sex education to individuals
Doesn’t say much for our society as a whole if it has to be dressed up in fictional characters

but hey, i guess as long as it works in this case
lazzzlo

I knew it was going to come to this…Bella bit her lower lip in one quivering way that Edward possibly could have been denied.

The libertarian above me was a wee bit more brutal than me with the same result. :)
lazzzlo

This was real to a fair amount of teens that I know. I think what is sad and normal is what adults think teens think differently.
http://www.facebook.com/people/Gregory-Smith/100001741334953 Gregory Smith

Is it? I was raised by moderate parents and I remember picking up a copy of “Everything you wanted to know about sex but were afraid to ask” from my parents library. I also remember getting my father to buy me a Playboy when I was 13. So you see? I didn’t need no Planned Parenthood to tell me the facts of life.
Hetoimasia

I can think of some other fictional characters people like to cite when giving instruction on sexual practices.
http://www.facebook.com/people/Gregory-Smith/100001741334953 Gregory Smith

Hey, I love the part about Bella bitting her lower lip. Of course, I doubt Edward’s schlong is that big, LOL.
Anonymous

Team Jacob!
Irish189

these days i honestly don’t think that parents do a good job, as a whole, teaching their kids about the birds and the bees and how to be safe

Given the amt of unplanned pregnancies and stds, many of which could be solved with a condom and the pill, it would seem to suggest that kids either don’t get the info or don’t get access to the contraceptives, in any case, better to be over educated then under in this area, though the delivery system,, in this case twilight, is rather amusing
lazzzlo

I have just gotten to old for it but I can see why the kids like it.
david r

Nice pix. The guy on the left has the biggest tits.
expatpatriot

Once again demonstrating your ignorance and lack of common humanity, you’re now railing against an innovative way to teach young people about safe sex as a justification for defunding Planned Parenthood?

You are consummate jerk. Actually, I suspect “consummation” doesn’t fill up much of your life, while “jerk” is probably pretty frequent.
http://twitter.com/Akili_Green Jebb Cao

Dating in itself is hard, especially when you are dating with STDs. However, STDs dating sites provide the best place for singles with STDs to date without possible rejection and discrimination. STDsMatch…com which is ranked as the #1 STDs singles dating site by CNN, now has more than 560,000 members. It’s hard to believe that a STDs dating site can have so many members!
AliveStillkickin

Abortion Workers at “House of Horrors” Clinic Plead Guilty to Murder

October 29, 2011
Two employees at the notorious Philadelphia “House of Horrors” clinic
operated by late-term abortionist Kermit Gosnell (left) have pleaded
guilty to murder in the deaths of a baby born at the clinic and a woman
who had come for an abortion. As reported by the Philadelphia Inquirer,
34-year-old Adrienne Moton admitted that she
killed a baby who had been
born alive at the abortion facility, while Sherry West, 52, pleaded
guilty to administering a lethal dose of painkillers and anesthesia to a
41-year-old woman who had come for an abortion.
MORE: http://patriotupdate.com/14031/abortion-workers-at-house-of-horrors-clinic-plead-guilty-to-murder
AliveStillkickin

This is what happens when liberals are allowed to have kids.
No wonder they murder their babies in the womb.
This is what fills the vacuum when God is expelled.
AliveStillkickin

Consummation with a liberal bloodsucking leech hardly “fills up my life”
Other than that….anything you assume about my life is irrelevant….as are you.
http://www.facebook.com/people/Susan-Page/100000710418708 Susan Page

Having sex with vampires? As one member of HerpesFish,com said, if you have the encourage to have sex with vampires, you should have the encourage to deal with STDs.
http://www.facebook.com/people/Gregory-Smith/100001741334953 Gregory Smith

There is actual porn with cartoon characters like the Jetsons and the Flintstones, why doesn’t Planned Parenthood let the professionals handle the sex education while they go back to what they do best: Killing babies and getting government money.
http://www.facebook.com/people/Gregory-Smith/100001741334953 Gregory Smith

Kids get the info, but they do what they want, and replacing parental responsibility with state indoctrination is not the solution. The solution is to let parents be parents and stop trying collectivists solutions on everyone. So what if the school slut gets pregnant? So what if the football player catches an STD? I say GOOD! Let them get hurt and let other kids learn from their bad example.
http://libertarians4freedom.blogspot.com/
http://www.facebook.com/people/Gregory-Smith/100001741334953 Gregory Smith

Yeah, and it’s up to the parents to remind the teens who’s in charge. I read that in Australia there’s a family that are allowing his 10 year old son to get a sex-change operation. See? This is what happens when you abdicate parental responsibility. If you’re a boy who thinks you’re a girl, fine, be a little fruity, and maybe when you turn 18 you can either get a sex change or you can have a lucrative career as a female impersonator, but for goodness sake, there’s no need to allow children to get their way! Learn to say “no,” parents!
Irish189

I think we’re going in circles

I’ll be more then happy to “let parents be parents” if they actually did their job

and i’d be fine with letting the kid opt out if they could demonstrate that they have basic knowledge aka the pill and the condom prevent pregnancy and stds, not only do they have the info, they know how to apply it

And studies have been showing that up to 50%+ of kids in HS are having sex so that would seem to be more then the “high school slut” or “football player”
http://www.facebook.com/people/Gregory-Smith/100001741334953 Gregory Smith

@d8d6b9af5230b687dbe8f3e2887bd4a4:disqus Ok, let’s think about this for a minute. Do you think the state can do the job of parents? The same state that can’t balance a budget, misplaces money, has redundant spending, and creates obscene red tape that drives business away? Besides, if 50% of kids in HS are having sex and the pregnancy rate keeps going down, what does that tell you? It’s obvious that many kids are being responsible, or maybe the only sex they’re getting is oral which doesn’t lead to pregnancy. Relax Irish, kids always do whatever they want regardless of what we tell them. Society autocorrects itself without government intervention.