Stephen Colbert Spoils the Wildest Moments from Stephanie Grisham’s Tell-All to Hurt Book Sales
Stephen Colbert does not want anyone to buy Stephanie Grisham new tell-all book, so he spoiled all the best parts on Tuesday night.
The Late Show host tried his best to avoid talking about the Trump administration, but eventually stopped dragging his feet, conceding, “Sometimes the news forces me to talk about our former president, Scrooge McSchmuck.”
Colbert was, of course, referring to former President Donald Trump, as he was about to dive into the new tell-all from former “White House press secretary and Morticia Addams’ divorced sister, Stephanie Grisham.”
“Full disclosure: This show right here is the number one place in late night to push paper. We sell a lot of books for our guests,” Colbert said. “But I don’t want to help her sell a single copy of her tell-all.”
The host went on to explain that while Grisham worked in the Trump administration for four years, including as White House press secretary, she infamously never gave a single press conference.
“But now she’s spilling all the tea in her new book, I Just Recently Grew a Spine,” Colbert cracked.
The book is actually titled I’ll Take Your Questions Now, referencing the time she did not take anyone’s questions.
Refusing to sell a single copy about the time Grisham “told us nothing,” Colbert decided he was “going to spoil all the juicy details of I’ll Take Your Money Now.”
The host then gave a rundown of the wildest moments from Grisham’s book — giving his snarkiest reactions to her overdue revelations.
“In the book, Grisham uses a lot of colorful language to describe the administration, calling it ‘a clown car on fire running at full speed into a warehouse full of fireworks,'” Colbert shared. “Or as Fox News would put it, ‘a brave band of flaming harlequins rushing patriotically into the explosive jaws of danger.’”
Colbert was unimpressed, despite Grisham’s harsh criticism, saying, “Yeah, just a reminder: She knew all about the fiery clown car and she still called shotgun for four years.”
He then read another passage from the text, which included several other metaphors to describe the chaos within the Trump administration.
“Living in a house that was always on fire, or in an insane asylum where you couldn’t tell the difference between the patients and the attendants, or on a roller coaster that never stopped,” he read.
Colbert then gave it his best shot, sharing his own metaphors for Trump’s presidency:
“Ooh, ooh, let me try: Being in his administration is like sliding blindfolded down a 50-foot razor blade into a tub of gin,” he said. “It’s like walking through a minefield led by a baby trying to change his own diaper. Driving a manure truck over a cliff into a pit of other manure trucks. Deep-sea diving surrounded by sharks who won’t shut up about winning Wisconsin.”
Other bombshell moments that Colbert spoiled include the time Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump cut children in line at the White House Easter Egg Roll so that they could take a picture with their own father, and the time Trump wore Grisham’s makeup during a speech in Saudi Arabia.
Colbert also revealed that Trump Jr. tried to get his girlfriend Kimberly Guilfoyle into a state dinner with Queen Elizabeth, later joking she is “just who you want interacting with the Queen.”
Imagining how an interaction between Trump Jr. and the Queen would go, Colbert said, “Oh dear, Don Jr., you seem to have dropped your tiny baggie of sugar. Hmmm, let’s put a little bit of it in my tea … WOOOO!! LIZZIE FEELS ALIVE!’”
“It’s cocaine,” Colbert added.
Watch above, via CBS.
