MTV’s Jersey Shore: The Worst Best Show Of All Time

One of the first signs Jenni is a ridiculous self-parody is when she enters the shore house (in Seaside Heights for those who want to meet people like this) and introduces herself simply as “Jwoww.” Vinny finds this odd. The Situation (I’m losing the quotes from now on, and also no longer calling anyone by something other than their nicknames) and Pauly do not find this odd. Ronnie, who is a quote machine, drops two great ones early in the episode: “Let’s get filthy, creepy, and weird” (again, a possibly tagline for the show and its viewers) and “Seriously, when I bring girls back here like she might melt in her pants.”

Snooki is a little over-tanned troll who provides the first crotch grab at the 22-minute mark. This is followed by the first visibly wasted person in the house at the 23-minute mark. Of course, it is also Snooki. Her new roommate, who she’s known for a few minutes, says it’s like “a horror movie.” Her prescience should be noted.

Now it’s time to “blow this place apart,” which is my favorite out of context description of what will happen during future episodes. “Snickers is wearing a Bra and a leopard thong into the hot tub with four testosterone-ridden guidos,” says Vinny. “What is she thinking?”

Snooki is in the hot tub with the guys, and Vinny is a little turned off. But mainly, he’s nervous about his sunglasses. “Only God can touch these,” he notes, as he touches them. At the 25-minute mark we get the first person to fall down stairs. Guess who?

Let’s move on to the Jwoww. After what seems like at least an hour or so of heavy drinking and flirting and general guidoness, she drops the bomb that shakes the house – she does, at that very moment, have a boyfriend. Two of the guys in the house have different reactions during post-bomb-dropping interviews. Vinny: “Jwoww, you never mentioned you had a boyfriend all night, what a shady bitch.” But Pauly D: “Are you kidding me? You’ve got hot guys in this house. I’ll help you forget about your boyfriend.” This is funny, because he will. They make out at the first club they go to later in the episode.

The best part of the entire episode took place (what we’ll call the ‘duck phone incident’) but it really needs to be seen to be believed. Video at the end of the post. But flash forward to the next morning, and Snooki is reflective: “I fucked up. Story of my life.” So true. Now it’s the morning and she needs to puke. “Who wants to hold her hair while she throws up?” asks Angelina, concerned. No one wants to. Snooki vomits alone, and is late for work.

That night, the group go out, but the real action takes place back at the house. Snooki thinks the girls are talking about her because they keep talking about whores. But really they are just talking about the whores who the guys “caught” when they were “fishing” off their balcony and picked up a few girls who got naked and made out with everyone in the hot tub. However Snooki, presumably because she thinks she is a whore herself, assumes they are talking about her and gets upset and begins packing her bags.

The girls were not happy about the guys decision to bring naked women into the hot tub on night two. One of them (does it really matter? I didn’t write it down and I’m not going back and watching this, sorry) says to The Situation: “You’re not The Situation. You’re like no situation.” But The Situation disagreed. “The Situation is under control right now,” says The Situation. Also, through the ensuing argument, it is revealed that Pauly D is 29. TWENTY NINE. What are you doing with your life, Pauly D?

Then there was the post hot tub orgy discussion. Vinny is asked if The Situation put his lips to another girl’s. Vinny shakes his head no but verbally says yes. His brain and mouth are not cooperating today. It should be noted here, again, that Vinny appears to be the cast member with the highest IQ. Moving on.

The first “don’t hate the player hate the game” comment comes at the 53-minute mark. The first person who says she wants to leave the house comes at the 54-minute mark – Snooki. No one really cares, except Sweetheart, who’s sweet. The Situation reminds everyone about why he’s great: “Everybody loves me – babies, dogs, hot girls, cougars, snap.”

Angelina is completely naive about her boyfriend. She thinks he’s ultimately nervous about her cheating on him, but in reality, all he cares about is getting off the phone with her. Either he’s concluded that there’s absolutely no chance his “guidette” girlfriend will be cheating on him with multiple jersey shore guidos (bad move), or he’s busy with his own situation (sorry Mike). Later in the episode, Angelina decides to call her boyfriend a dozen or so times, since he tells her he’s in a meeting and can’t talk and she wants to tell him that she thinks she may have cheated on him with an enormous wrestler who she can’t remember because she was wasted.

In a slick display of foreshadowing, Sweetheart and The Situation have a one-on-one conversation while the others go out. “How many guys like me in the house?” asks Sweetheart, which is a pretty gross question. The Situation, who seems to like Sweetheart (or at least wants to have sex with her), uses this opportunity to throw fellow roommate Ronnie under the bus. He didn’t exactly have a guilty conscience about it. “I don’t necessarily feel bad,” he said. “I didn’t even think twice about it.” This is important for later!

From the forbidden boyfriend-ignoring hook-up between Pauly D and Jwoww we learn Pauly D has a pierced penis. Jwoww approves: “I love it.” On this same night, Snooki is about to get her hook-up on as well. But here’s what happened, according to Snooki: “We wanted to watch the sunset. No, the sunrise. But Robby just wanted to throw up and pass out.” He did in fact throw up and pass out. Poor, over-tanned troll Snooki.

The episode concluded with an epic night out, that included Jwoww leaving early after making out with Pauly D again. She held up her hand so the camera wouldn’t catch it, but of course, we just watched her look at his pierced penis, so her boyfriend probably thinks something is up at this point. Here’s exactly what Jwoww said in her post-leaving-early-interview: “I left the club early because I didn’t want to cheat on my boyfriend. And I felt like eating ham and drinking water. Ham.” She was drinking water and eating ham. Jwoww will be a major character this year. In the look at future episodes, she is shown being punched in the face by a man at a bar. JWOWW indeed. > Update: FishbowlNY editor (and viewer of Jersey Shore several times over) Amanda Ernst correctly points out that the guidette punched at the bar is Snooki and not Jwoww. Check it out here.

At this club, The Situation makes his move on Sweetheart, who placates him with a bit of making out but isn’t completely interested. No, she’d rather have muscled Ronnie. So she does. The Situation isn’t happy about this. I’m not sure what this means, but here’s exactly how I described the part of the episode right after Sweetheart’s confrontation with The Situation: “Cue some artist called disappointed in candy and the strange sepia toned camera shots of Ronnie and Sam.”

The Situation is very jealous (who knew he had such feelings?!), and now he wants to fight someone. It’s about to be a situation. First club fight, kick-out at the 105-minute mark.

We end with this cliffhanger, signaling future issues between Angelina and The Situation:

Angelina: If a girl’s a slut, she should be abused.
The Situation: Lose five or 10 pounds and we’ll talk.
Angelina: I will cut your hair while you’re sleeping.

Shit is about to go down. And now I need a shower.

Here’s The Duck Phone Incident. Thank you for not leaving, Snooki!

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This is an opinion piece. The views expressed in this article are those of just the author.