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Barack To The Future: Future President Obama Hopes We All ‘Had A Safe And Happy 4th Of July’

President Obama‘s supporters and detractors, alike, have imbued our Commander-in-Chief with a variety of superpowers over the years, from an ability to control the weather to the now-canonical Jedi Mind-meld. Now, apparently, you can add time travel to the list, as the President, in a video address released by the White House Thursday morning, told Americans “I hope you all had a safe and happy Fourth of July,” and regaled them with the past-tense tale of the White House’s 4th of July event, which seems to have gone off without a hitch later today.

“Hi everybody.  I hope you all had a safe and happy Fourth of July, filled with parades, cookouts, fireworks and family reunions,” the President said, or will say, I haven’t worked that part out yet. He added/will add “We celebrated at the White House with a few hundred members of the military and their families. And we took a moment amid the festivities to remember what our Independence Day is all about – what happened 237 years ago, and what it meant to the world.”

He went on/will go on to talk about the signing of the Declaration of Independence, calling it “a declaration heard around the world – that we were no longer colonists, we were Americans, and our destiny would not be determined for us; it would be determined by us.”

By “us,” of course, he means not all of us, but that’s not something we really talk about on Mostly Independence Day.

There may, of course, be no cause for alarm. It’s possible that the President is a Bruce Willis in 12 Monkeys-style time traveler, who physically travels back in time, but whose changes to the time continuum have already been factored into our future. In that case, everything really will be okay.

However, he could be a Bruce Willis in Looper-style time traveler, who exists on a single timeline that can be altered, which means he could meet up with his former self and wreak all kinds of havoc. There’s also the possibility that he’s a Jim Caviezel in Frequency-style time traveler, who can change the timeline, but can’t actually travel in time, and just sends messages back to the past. Since he’s communicating from July 6, at least we don’t have to fear any Game of Thrones spoilers.

Finally, he could be a Marty McFly-style time traveler, creating a parallel universe every time he spins up his flux capacitor, and having madcap adventures like preventing the date-rape of his own mother.

Whichever it is, future President Obama is light on details, but here’s the video anyway. Maybe you can glean some clue as to who wins tomorrow’s Yankees-O’s game:


Transcript (via email from The White House):

Hi everybody. I hope you all had a safe and happy Fourth of July, filled with parades, cookouts, fireworks and family reunions.

We celebrated at the White House with a few hundred members of the military and their families. And we took a moment amid the festivities to remember what our Independence Day is all about – what happened 237 years ago, and what it meant to the world.

On July 4th, 1776, a small band of patriots declared that we were a people created equal – free to think and worship and live as we please. It was a declaration heard around the world – that we were no longer colonists, we were Americans, and our destiny would not be determined for us; it would be determined by us.

It was a bold and tremendously brave thing to do. It was also nearly unthinkable. At that time, kings and princes and emperors ruled the world. But those patriots were certain that a better way was possible. And to achieve it – to win their freedom – they were willing to lay it all on the line. Their lives. Their fortunes. Their sacred honor.

They fought a revolution. Few would have bet on our side to win. But for the first of many times to come, America proved the doubters wrong.

And now, 237 years later, the United States – this improbable nation – is the greatest in the world. A land of liberty and opportunity. A global defender of peace and freedom. A beacon of hope to people everywhere who cherish those ideals.

Generations of Americans made our country what it is today – farmers and teachers, engineers and laborers, entrepreneurs and elected leaders – people from all walks of life, from all parts of the world, all pulling in the same direction.

And now we, the people, must make their task our own – to live up to the words of that Declaration of Independence, and secure liberty and opportunity for our own children, and for future generations.

I want to say a special word of thanks to the men and women of our military, who have played such a vital role in the story of our nation. You have defended us at home and abroad. And you have fought on our nation’s behalf to make the world a better, safer place. People in scattered corners of the world are living in peace today, free to write their own futures, because of you. We are grateful for your service and your sacrifice, especially those still serving in harm’s way and your families here at home.

So, God bless you all. And may God bless the United States of America.

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