When I was a junior corporate lawyer at a giant soulless monolithic New York law firm, I used to work these ridiculous round-the-clock hours for giant deals that made gobs of money for all sorts of people and for which my time was no doubt billed out for far more than it was worth. What I remember from those all-nighters and bleary days at the printers was how chipper the paralegals were, because they’d be making time and a half. This was how they made money, to finance their real careers as filmmakers and writers and actors and comedians. Our lives all sucked, but at least they had lives outside of work. I figured out quickly that I liked their way better.
I was reminded of that time watching this video, “Big Tempin’,” created by a bunch of comedians about their day making ends meet in offices across the city. Spearheaded by NYC standup scene stalwart Jordan Carlos it reminded me of all the talent that was scurrying around those law firm hallways, hidden behind khakis and sweater sets. They’re the same people scurrying around as assitants in the hallowed halls of 4 Times Square (even if their clothes are better). Who’s getting your coffee? Making your copies? Take note, because you’ll probably see them again someday, getting a Pulitzer or an Oscar or an Emmy or something. Until then, there’s Big Tempin.’
Cast: Jody Gnant (1st verse), Dan Ahdoot (2nd Verse), Jordan Carlos (3rd Verse)
Supporting cast: Ross Hyzer, Sean Conroy, Sean O’Connor, Alexandra Gizela, Brooke Van Poppelen
Production Co: Disposable TV
Director: Brendan Colthurst
By Jordan Carlos
You know I’m filin’, readin’, sleepin’, faxin’,
But there ain’t no relaxin
Livin’ in the hood,
On Ikea wood,
Got zero corp’rate traction,
Next time they fuss I’m breezin,
Talkin’ bout, ‘but it’s our busiest season,’
I’m a temp in every sense of the word, bitch
Better freakin’ believe me,
In the cube where they keep me
Who took my coffee cup?
Never get enough?
Paper jam. What the fuck?
Hardly ever make buck,
People hate Ted,
People love Ned,
We in the breakroom livin’ it up.
Yeah we’re talkin movies, Brit-Brit, Oprah, Lost, and Idol
To get thru my day it’s oh so freaking vital
Pay’s next to nothin,
Gank my mornin muffin?
School loans amassin’,
Sprint bill I’m facin’,
So this gig I’m acin’,
And let’s riiiiiiiiiiiide… on the subway
Riiiiiiiiiiiide… never payday
Riiiiiiiiiiiiide… Temp dollars
Riiiiiiiiiiiide… White collars
We doing big tempin’
Doin’ big tempin’
With college degrees
We doin’ big tempin up in NYC
And I’m nappin’ at 3
I’m the big mailroom impressario
Drop memos, live in the barrio
Stay playin Super Mario
Oops my bad that’s Super Mar-io
Never miss an ep of L & O
Peace out to dearly departed Jerry O
Cop a feel and your temp ass gotsta go
Uh smokin’ break, Tim what’s up?
Keepin decaf in my cup
Wish my cube had leather and wood.
Out of ink? What the fuck?
Trying to make a personal call
Profits in 4th quarter fall
Gonna need some alcohol
Share my cube with this dude Paul (Yo!)
If I keep on tempin’ baby,
I could go to full-time maybe,
Uhh, now what you know bout them tempin’ boys,
Steady eatin’ Almnond Joys,
Least I ain’t unempolyed!
Save The Assistants
New New Yorker Managing Editor: Their Former Fact-Checker [Mediaite]
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