Illustrations by Garth von Ahnen
Beto O’Rourke was a punk rocker.
If you didn’t know that by now, then you haven’t read any of the many profiles penned on Texas’ Democratic Senatorial candidate.
While his state’s Republican party has tried to turn that factoid into a slam, it clearly hasn’t been working.
If anything, the visuals of O’Rourke playing bass or skateboarding in a Whataburger parking lot have only given the Congressman an aura of reckless, Joey Ramone-like cool.
It seems like it’s only a matter of time before other politicians try to boost their popularity by turning to punk rock themselves.
Here are a few we think will try.
Sen. Bob Corker (R-Tenn.)
Bob Corker will start a heart-felt indie band to show that he’s evolved beyond the raw, populist rage he took advantage of back when he supported Trump.
Expect him to drive the point home with a bunch of 20 minute, minimalist pieces about personal growth.
It’ll be a lot easier than, you know, opposing a Supreme Court nominee or something.
Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-Vt.)
Bernie Sanders will dive into the punk scene once he realizes that you don’t need party support to start your own zine. You just need a friend at Kinko’s who will look the other way while you use the Xerox machine really quick.
Sen. Cory Booker (D-N.J.)
Cory Booker bolstered his political rise by rescuing a constituent from a house fire, chasing an armed robbery suspect outside City Hall and taking to the streets to help shovel snow.
Expect him to start going to punk shows so he can be seen helping up kids who fell in the pit.
Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass.)
Since she’s a woman in a scene dominated by sketchy, less-talented dudes, it only makes sense for Elizabeth Warren to join the riot grrrl movement.
She can start subverting gender norms by making Mitch McConnell hold her jacket while she rages.
Sen. Joe Manchin (D-W.Va)
Joe Manchin is a Democrat, but is usually kept from going along with his caucus due to the political demands of a red state. Punk’s all about alienation, so it’d be a natural landing spot for the Senator.
Plus, have you seen those campaign ads where he shoots various pieces of legislation? He definitely needs some kind of release.
Sen. Marco Rubio (R-Fla.)
Look, you know how there are always those ska kids who skank at shows, even if there are no ska bands on the bill?
Judging from the fact that he’s used to blissfully going along his own path, regardless of what obvious issues may be facing his party, Marco Rubio will fit right in.
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