comScore Stephen Colbert | 'It's Time We Let These Product-American's Be Heard'
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Stephen Colbert Champions Corporate Civil Rights: ‘Time We Let These Product-Americans Be Heard!’

Why won’t government regulators leave corporations alone, Stephen Colbert wondered during last night’s episode of The Colbert Report. Why shouldn’t Product-American’s be afforded the same rights as the rest of us? “The First Amendment protects not only speech you like, but speech you don’t like,” he reminds. “Government regulators must not persecute products just because they don’t fit some beurocrats narrow definition of ‘fireproof’ or ‘potable.'” And Congress shall therefore make no law respecting an establishment of corporate product, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof. Let the corporations be free!

Colbert heralded that Google’s congressional hearing last week as a major milestone in corporate civil rights. The company argued in front of an Anti-Trust regulatory panel that “our web search results are protected speech in the First Amendment sense.”

“Yes!” Colbert argues, “web searches are enshrined in our founding documents. We have the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of hacked Scarlett Johansson nude picks.”

So why don’t more corporations argue for their First Amendment rights? Cigarette companies, currently battling the government over a plan to put graphic and deterring images on packaging, might be well served by arguing an abridgment of their product’s freedom of speech. “Regulating a cigarette carton from enticing me to buy it is a violation of its free speech,” says Colbert. “I may not agree with what a carton of smokes says, but I will fight to the death for it’s right to say it.”

Watch the clip below, courtesy of Comedy Central:

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