Ugandan First Lady: Gay Cows Aren’t Real, So Gay People Definitely Aren’t Real

In a very odd speech to the bishops of the Church of Uganda, the country’s First Lady said that she had never met a homosexual cow — and, since she’d never seen one, there couldn’t possibly be any homosexual people, either.

Praising the bishops for helping Uganda pass a strict anti-homosexuality law, Janet Museveni, the wife of the Ugandan President Yoweri Museveni (who also happens to be in the government’s cabinet and Parliament, as you do), said that the passage of the bill was an act of God that “progressed” the country.

She then followed her celebration of progress with the following statement, according to the International Business Times:

“If cows did not practice homosexuality, how could we the human beings start arguing over homosexuality?”

Yes, that is right: if there are no gay cows, it stands to reason that there are no gay people, either. Also, witches burn because they are made of wood, and also, witches are real.

(That was dark. Forgive us.)

In all seriousness, the new law is one of the strictest anti-homosexuality laws in Africa, stipulating that homosexuals can receive life sentences for “aggravated homosexuality” (whatever that means), and anyone who fails to report gaythoughtcrime will be punished.

There is no word yet on how Ugandan law will punish gay cows, which they really should look into, because homosexual cows definitely do exist.

[Image via Ugandan State House]

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