Release The Kraken! The Internet Has A Fun New (Media) Meme

Hey, did something happen at 2 p.m. today? Ha, just kidding. We ALL know what happened at 2 p.m. today, because Twitter went crazy, the New York Times had a 9-page slideshow atop its homepage, and all the cablers went live until further notice:

Tiger Woods is back! He’s back to playing golf! He answered questions from the media! He looked contrite! He wore an easter-egg colored shirt! Tiger! Tiger! Tiger! Yaaaaay, Tiger chyrons and Tiger logos and Tiger analysts wondering about Tiger sponsors! Tiger Tiger Tiger!

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But in the rarefied land of smart-people things, another Kraken was brewing. What was that glowing ode from Jon Meacham, editor of Newsweek? What was that headline-making appearance on Meet The Press? What was that admiring — some might say fawning — profile in the New York Times?

RELEASE THE REMNICKRAKEN! New Yorker editor David Remnick just came out with The Bridge: The Life and Rise of Barack Obama and is having a very busy week — and apparently only needs a cup of coffee to do it! Perhaps Obama should move over on that New Yorker cover, make some room, eh? Except we know Remnick would stay dry — preferably at Ouest.

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Tiger Woods, David Remnick — could the media cycle possibly have room for another all-encompassing story? Oh I dunno, did some computer company come out with a new gadget lately?

The cover of Time. The cover of Newsweek. The cover of The Economist. Burbling love from everyone and their brother. I am pretty sure I’ve never seen Charlie Rose get this excited about anything (turns out he loves a fun racing car video game!). Meanwhile, I hear that if you drop an iPad the screen will probably kraken but that’s something else altogether. So don’t drop it. Also, it has no camera and doesn’t play Flash.

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This next Kraken has been kraking for a few days now. Hint: What’s neither left nor right with sagging ratings all over?

Perhaps you’ve missed those “How To Fix CNN?” articles, but you probably haven’t: There’s “How To Fix CNN” (Michael Calderone), “How To Fix CNN” (Jon Stewart), “What CNN Should Do With Itself In Prime Time” (Jay Rosen), “What Should CNN Do?” (Andrew Tyndall), “Can CNN Be Saved?” (Ross Douhat). I was one of the pundits polled by Politico, but I admit that I didn’t realize until just now how to save CNN. In retrospect, the answer was clear all the time. Are you ready?

RELEASE THE…..

…..BIEBER!!!!!

Full stop. You know I’m right. Even the White House knows I’m right. Andersen and his dimples are out, Bieber and his mop-top are in. Television gold.

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This next one is an obvious Kraken — but no less powerful. Nay, perhaps more so.

RELEASE THE BECKAN! One can just imagine Roger Ailes intoning that from on high. p.s. This Kraken was included for balance, because we just don’t seem to have enough Glenn Beck coverage on the site.

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And finally — though Mediaite exists to track these mighty beasts of media, we would be remiss not acknowledge one of our own, dwelling deep within the dark recesses of our briny depths, lying in wait for the next juicy tidbit of gossip that might flit before its gaping maw….

There is Kraken, dear reader, in all of us.

(All media-Kraken-mashups by Philip Bump. “Release The Kraken” template by Urlesque. Cracker-eating cat by Urlesque reader lennytafro. Moses Steve Jobs by The Economist. Photo of Tiger Woods by Harry How at Getty Images for the New York Times. Photo of David Remnick by Michael Falco for the New York Times. Photo of Justin Bieber via Sodahead.com. Photo of Glenn Beck by Nicholas Roberts for the New York Times via Time. “Release The Krakauer” by Glenn Davis. Photo of Steve Krakauer by Rachel Sklar. Wig provided by Rachel Sklar.)

This is an opinion piece. The views expressed in this article are those of just the author.