I Asked the 2016 Presidential Candidates How a Dog Would Wear Pants


Maxim deputy editor Jared Keller posted a simple drawing with a simple question. “If a dog wore pants,” it asked, “would he wear them like this or like this?” Two options were presented, each corresponding to the two uses of “this” in the question.

Since Keller tweeted the image late Monday night, the Internet (and everyone else) can’t stop f*cking talking about it. Would a dog, were he or she a pants-wearer, don them in one of these two fashions? And why?

Social media deemed this an important question, so I put it to all of the major 2016 presidential candidates about it. (Except George Pataki, who didn’t come up in a quick search for some reason, and Jim Gilmore, because I didn’t care that much.) I didn’t expect all or any of them to respond, and they didn’t, but a few followers and trolls did.

Instead, I decided to make really good guesses about what the candidates would have said had they actually answered this simple question. (Hell, I even gave them a visual guide for reference.)

Unsurprisingly, the tweet directed at Donald Trump was the most popular. So much so that a Twitter troll-turned-Trump surrogate provided an answer on the Donald’s behalf:

Since Jeb Bush is Trump’s #1 target at the moment, he probably would have said “left” just to be contrarian. That, and were the dog a real pants-wearing one, he would have shown it how to take a selfie.

The junior Republican senator from Texas wouldn’t have the faintest clue, but when asked, Ted Cruz surely would have aligned himself with Trump and said “right.” Then again, no one will know unless they make a sizable contribution to Cruz’s campaign for the chance to chill out.

We’re not sure what Democratic front-runner Hillary Clinton would have said. If anything, she’d probably acknowledge the question’s importance at a huge press conference, answer no questions and return immediately to her committee of advisers.

Independent Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders wouldn’t want to choose one or the other. That would take agency away from the dog, which has rights — including the right to wear pants one way or the other. Or neither.

Since former Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley is still devastated that only one potential voter showed up to his event in Iowa, he doesn’t care about dogs. Or pants. O’Malley’s too stressed out to worry about pants.

“Dogs wearing pants is an abomination against God,” former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee would say. “Then again, dogs forced to wear pants shouldn’t be punished, and I’m willing to go to jail in their place.”

John Kasich would be so happy for the chance to answer the question. Mainly, we suspect, because it’s a helluva lot easier than being confronted with gun control prompts.

“Dog? What dog?” retired neurosurgeon Ben Carson would say. “That’s just another one of the media’s shiny objects. Are they claiming I left a sponge in a dog’s brain now?”

Fearing another instance of someone in the media getting mad at him for referring to someone (or something) as an animal, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie would do two things. He’d (1) not call the dog a “dog,” and he’d pick the “right” side because he’d assume most other Republicans were doing the same.

Former CEO Carly Fiorina is in a supporting mood, so she’d agree with Trump and pick the “right” option.

Would Rand Paul actually answer this given the chance? No, he wouldn’t. Instead, he’d add it to his already-growing list of grievances to air for Festivus 2016.

“That dog’s water-intake looks weird,” Marco Rubio would say in a blatantly obvious (but not to him) reference to his water-drinking fiasco. “He should see a veterinarian.”

Me: “Mr. Walker, which way would a dog wear pants if dogs wore pants?” Rick Santorum: “You realize I’m not Scott Walker, yes?” Me: “I didn’t catch that, Mr. Walker. Say again?”

[Image via Twitter]

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