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FAPPIN TED

College Roommate Really Wants Us to Know Ted Cruz Is a Serial Masturbator

This sticky tale starts with a widely shared tweet from Sen. Ted Cruz’s roommate at Princeton, screenwriter Craig Mazin. The tweet, published in 2016, took aim at the Texas senator’s pious grandstanding by pointing out that as Mazin’s roommate, Ted Cruz used to beat off:

So naturally, in light of Tuesday’s news that Ted Cruz, Texas Senator and devoted lover of the Lord, liked a porn video on his official Twitter account, all eyes turned to Mazin for verification that he could have indeed done such a thing.

And Mazin again confirmed that as his bunk-bed roommate, Ted Cruz used to beat off:

Mazin also noted that beating off is perhaps the “most human thing” about Cruz, a man often accused of being the Zodiac killer and/or a lizard wearing a suit of human flesh:

And, for good measure, Mazin closed things out by retweeting this timely missive from his old college roommate, serial masturbator Ted Cruz:

[image via screengrab]

Follow Aidan McLaughlin (@aidnmclaughlin) on Twitter

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