It’s that time of year once again, when we all mark the passage of another year by drinking bubbly liquids from skinny glasses, kissing someone at midnight, and promising to do a bunch of stuff that we’re not really going to do. While I really do hope I manage to quit smoking this year, and finally let people know where I stand on the issues of the day, there wasn’t much else to my list, so to kill the extra time, I’ve carried on a tradition that dates back year, and help the media and political figures on my beat with their New Year’s resolutions. Without further ado, I proudly present:
Tommy Christopher’s 2013 New Year’s Resolutions…For Everybody Else
Jake Tapper: Think of a setup to the punchline “Tapper and Blitzer? I barely know her!”
Lawrence O’Donnell: Collect royalty from Clint Eastwood for stealing my empty chair bit.
Consistently whip Hannity in the demo. Um… weep, for there are no more worlds to conquer?
Mitt Romney: Buy Etch-a-Sketch™; re-brand as “iPad for the iPoor”
Gen. David Petraeus: Get rid of my “The surge is working” boxers. Ebay?
Keith Olbermann: Demand more perks from the Countdown show I’ve been producing in my basement. Get fired.
Politico: According to a source with knowledge of the situation, Politico resolves to rely less on blind quotes.
Sandra Fluke: Enjoy equal access to preventive services, including birth control.
Rush Limbugh: Enjoy being birth control.
Rick Santorum: Go see Zero Blah Thirty.
Ron Paul: Go see Lincoln, see who they got to play me.
Mark Knoller: Remember to charge my razor this year.
John Boehner: Leverage debt ceiling for one or more of:
- a. jus primae noctis
- b. repeal of health care. Not Obamacare, but all health care.
- c. Assistant President John Boehner (not Assistant to the President)
Ed Schultz: Get Nate Silver to use Ed Show text polls. 97% of you think he should, 3% think he shouldn’t.
Sarah Palin: Begin successful Branson, Missouri run of new show “What a Country! That I Can See From My House!” with Yakov Smirnoff.
Paul Ryan: Introduce new deficit reduction plan. Two words: Lunch. Money.
President Barack Obama: Do one or more of the following, just to mess with people:
- a. Sing My Cherie Amour, but mumble it so it might sound like “My Sharia Law”
- b. Corner Bill Maher backstage, and teach him random “gang signs.”
- c. Join militant Star Wars fan club The New Black Bantha Party
Donald Trump: Demand to inspect President Obama’s teeth.
Nate Silver: End every sentence with the word “bitches,” bitches!
Rick Perry: Get front-row tickets to see Crosby, Stills, and… um, Emerson, Lake, and…uh, Tony, Orlando, and…Hall and…f**k, it, Wham!
Hillary Clinton: Start figuring out how to delicately refuse Barack’s offer of debate prep.
Joe Scarborough: Change first name to “Wood.” Giggle.
Bob Beckel: Start charging people $5 a pop when they make me say “Fudgie the Whale.”
Chris Hayes: Do entire episode of Up with Chris Hayes in Latin.
Sean Hannity: Do entire episode of Hannity in Pig Latin.
This is an opinion piece. The views expressed in this article are those of just the author.