Echo Chamber of Secrets: 30 Media Muggles and their Harry Potter Counterparts

by Mediaite Staff | 11:41 am, November 26th, 2009

» 373 comments

Why shouldn’t a woman be Harry? We can’t think of many people who embody the spirit of Gryffindor better than Rachel Maddow (though she’s certainly brainy enough to be a Ravenclaw). Bravery, leadership and gumption – she regularly shows all three. For many progressives seeking an intelligent, nuanced on-air voice, she is The One; you know she’d stab a basilisk fang into a Horcrux without a blink. (So be warned, Pat Buchanan.) Also, she can pull off that hairstyle better than anyone.

Martha Stewart: Mrs. Weasley

Why aren’t you de-gnoming the lawn? Look, I knitted you a sweater! With a flick of her wand, Molly Weasley keeps life at the Burrow briskly humming, keeping kids, husband, house-elves and assorted drop-in visitors in line and well looked after. Do you think that’s easy? Well, she makes it look that way, but actually food is one of the five exceptions to Gamp’s Law of Elemental Transfiguration.

Brian Stelter: Neville Longbottom

For the true Harry Potter fan, Neville Longbottom is always a favorite. The nervous, klutzy Gryffindor who seemed more like a Hufflepuff emerged a hero of the first book, putting Gryffindor House over the top against Slytherin, and from then on there was no stopping him. Similarly, Brian Stelter entered this big, scary media world as a teenager, starting the blog that would become TVNewser at just 19. He graduated to a job at the New York Times – where he is kicking more ass than Dumbledore’s Army in the Department of Mysteries. By the end of the series, it was Neville’s leadership that kept the flame of hope alive at Hogwarts – just as at the NYT Stelter provides hope to the old guard that the kids these days can still understand how to really do the job right (while topping them on Twitter). Fifty points for Gryffindor, BriStelt!

Cindy Leive: Tonks

She: Kicks ass with wands, brooms, and fabulous hair colors. She: Kicks ass with circulation, newsstand and fabulous cover lines. She: Is a member of the Order of the Phoenix, fighting for the wizarding world to defeat the onward march of Voldemort. She: Is the former President of ASME, fighting for the magazine world to defeat the onward march of the Internet. They: Have great hair, powerful friends, and should not be underestimated.

Jim Bell: Hagrid

This one’s based purely on brawn: Jim Bell is huge. You can also see his giant heritage reflected in The Today Show, the juggernaut of which he is the EP. Nothing small about either of these guys. p.s. If you see Jim Bell with a frilly pink umbrella, watch out.

Gretchen Carlson: Lavender Brown

We could see her calling someone “Won-Won.” Couldn’t you?

Bill Kristol: Dolores Umbridge

Dolores Umbridge was the perfect tool of the dark, secretive forces swirling around her, because she was just officious, ambitious and stupid enough to parrot the propaganda coming down from on high and enforce it with unapologetic conviction. Bill Kristol was wrong on pretty much everything he ever wrote about the Iraq war. Umbridge made Harry write “I shall not tell lies” as it burned forever into his hand. Maybe Bill Kristol coulda used a bit of that.

David Carr: Lupin

Remus Lupin might have led a different sort of life, cursed as he was with an affliction that would sometimes turn him into a monster. But love and friends and family can be as powerful as any shield charm, and so he faced down that inner demon and proved himself a lifelong friend and mentor and partner. Why did we pair him with David Carr? Eh, no reason.

Roger Ailes: Horace Slughorn

Horace Slughorn is a man with a long history at Hogwarts – he knows how things are done and he knows secrets from the past. He once enabled Voldemort and spurred him on to greater powers. Roger Ailes works for Rupert Murdoch. Sounds about right.

Dan Abrams: He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named

No explanation needed.

PREVIOUS PAGE

Who did we miss? Nominate your own casting choices in the comments – we’ll be doing a follow-up post including people like Rick Stengel, Robin Meade, Katie Couric, Jake Tapper, Bill Keller, Hendrik Hertzberg, Dahlia Lithwick, Megyn Kelly – plus characters we left out like Lee Jordan, Moaning Myrtle, Peter Pettigrew, Dobby, Kreacher, Justin Finch-Fletchley, Rowena Ravenclaw, the Bloody Baron and Nearly Headless Nick. Also Grawp. Suggestions welcome!

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KatrinasmediaAngel

What can I say, this is fantastic. Love the Anderson Cooper comparison.
http://www.facebook.com/people/Shelby-Bryant/639971861 Shelby Bryant

Umm how about the entire fox-news network as Death Eaters! Minus a few good souls (think about Snape, and Regulus Black here people!)

Sean Hannity…I’d have to say he’s the Fenrir Greyback of Fox News…messy, angry, and animalistic. Anytime he sniffs a bit of crazy-pot stew, he chases after it with a frightening hunger. He may be inflicted with crazy, but unlike other crazies on Fox network, he hunts and spreads his crazy as often as he finds a victim rather than waiting for the crazy moon to rise. Greyback has a sick taste for children, and Sean Hannity loves to bring up the future and the children. Oh, and PS he’s a dick.

Huckabee…he’s much more like Cornelius Fudge. He has all the right intentions, but he’s bumbling and his opinion on abortion is quite like Fudge’s on Voldemort: unchanging, and flawed. And, may I say they look alot alike? Give Huckabee a lime green bowler and they’d be interchangable.
darwinsmomma

Rachel Maddow as Harry Potter? Bravo! Let’s give her a wand and see what she can do with it. Maybe she can take out the Death Eaters and bring peace just like Harry did. If anyone can do it, I bet she can!
http://www.facebook.com/people/Astraea-Vanderlinden/1265528608 Astraea Vanderlinden

My mom also totally looks like Trelawney! Like to the point of when we dressed up for the premiere poeple thought that my mom was really Emma Thompson dressed up like Trelawney! There were like people wispering and stuff! It was hilarious.
http://www.facebook.com/people/Rhonda-Rothrock/1377194847 Rhonda Rothrock

absolutely brilliant!!! accio more Harry Potter and the Muggle Media Counterparts!
KatrinasmediaAngel

Anderson Cooper just failed the Harry Potter Media Muggles test.
http://www.facebook.com/people/Mide-Odunsi/1606380999 Mide Odunsi

Sherri Shepherd = Grawp
Facebook User

Most of these were spot on, but Walter Cronkite for Dumbledore, obviously! And I don’t know about your Voldemort…
FairAndBalanced

This article is blatant slander of FOX news and all semi-conservative media. I am disgusted by the way the Mediaite Staff is marring the pure, honest excellence of the Harry Potter series by bringing their political view into the story. Is it so difficult to write an unbiased article, in which the liberal left-wing media isn’t glorified into such heroic roles as Ron, Hermione and Professor McGonagall, and the right-wing media besmirched as characters like Draco Malfoy and his cronies? Honestly, this article echoes Rita Skeeter and Cornelius Fudge’s BLINDNESS to the truth of Voldemort’s return and their vilifying of Dumbledore and Harry. Any faithful Harry Potter reader would be ashamed.
FairAndBalanced

You must all just be confounded… I bet it was Alan Colmes who cursed you. If anyone looks like a Death Eater, he does.
libra blue

Anderson Cooper = Fleur Delacour, doesn’t that mean “flower of the court?” Since Anderson’s “counterpart” is the only one that is not of the same sex, I am not sure if that is a compliment or an insult.
http://www.facebook.com/people/Kim-Kueny/1021134103 Kim Kueny

First off, let me say I find this whole thing to be absolutely brilliant and hilarious!!!! I love it!!!!

The only thing I find to be a bit, well, fail is that the picture you have for Luna. It’s not a picture of Luna. It’s a fan-made image. The head is Evanna Lynch’s, yes, but from this photo: http://www.mugglenet.com/gallery/displayimage.php?album=418&pos=1

The body actually belongs to Katie Leung (Cho Chang), from this photo: http://www.mugglenet.com/gallery/displayimage.php?album=736&pos=9

So yeah, that’s not really Luna.
libra blue

I must have overlooked the Malcolm Gladwell comparison with Professor Trelawney, nice call! I guess he and Anderson are the only ones with female counterparts. Was this deliberate or accidental?
MikeTheMouth

I huff and I puff then huff again. Miss Puff is the only woman capable of turning her ex into a gay guy. prior ro he being an ex. What a load this over the hill old woman is.
jimmymaher

When Steven Vander Ark’s publisher, RDR Books, told him it was okay to publish a printed version of Vander Ark’s Harry Potter Lexicon Web site, which is largely derived from work by Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling, Vander Ark accepted that without further question and proceeded with the project. That cavalier attitude is no surprise when one considers the source of Vander Ark’s Web site in the first place. When did it become okay to lift someone else’s copyrighted material and present it as one’s own? That’s why, “in the name of scholastic pursuit”, I’ve made a copy of Vander Ark’s Web site to use as my own Web site. Oh, it’s okay. I’ve changed the name of the site and reorganized it a little. My version is called Harry Potter’s Maxicon. Different enough, right?
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