Obama’s Newest Pardoned Turkeys Love Beyonce, Lady Gaga, Dying of Obesity-Related Causes

Meet Caramel and Popcorn, the two latest turkeys to be granted a slow and agonizing death from obesity-related causes by the White House. This torturous existence was granted in the form of mercy by Barack Obama, as part of his yearly Thanksgiving turkey pardon, and while the two turkeys will live the rest of their days on a lush Virginia farm, it’s basically the turkey equivalent of hospice care.

To twist the knife in even further, the White House gave them personalities:

Hatched on the same day on the farm of John Burkel near Badger, Minnesota, Caramel and Popcorn may have been raised together, but each has flown their own path. Caramel is a steady and deliberate bird that enjoys soybean meal and rocking out to Lady Gaga. When Popcorn is feeling peckish, he can’t stop snacking on his namesake, corn, and has been known to strut around to Beyonce’s “Halo”.

We can’t possibly approve of this death sentence, given their richly human turkey personalities. We were really close to actually instituting The Braiser’s White House Thanksgiving Turkey Deathwatch, too, but now that we realize that we have so much in common with these turkeys…it’s like looking into a mirror of our own humanity.

Obama, you monsterrrrrrrr.

[The White House]

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Obama Can’t Keep His Pardoned Thanksgiving Turkeys Alive Because They’re Too Obese
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